I wrote a blog about this a long time ago and it disappeared in internet land and I am just now rewriting, I am certain there was more to add.........
Top 10 ways you will know this is your second pregnancy.......
10. Instead of wanting to show because it is cute, you look forward to having a firm stomach again.
9. Wondering just how on earth you are going to balance a toddler on your 9 month stomach while pushing a grocery cart and trying to talk on the cell phone.
8. Thinking that the mini van just might be the greatest invention of mankind. My mentor keeps trying to sell me with the push button doors and it is starting to work.
7. Your dog is getting lower and lower down the totum pole and you aren't even noticing.
6. You are making mental plans to get your tubes tied upon delivery if it is a girl because you are CERTAIN you can't throw your way up through another 6 weeks of life, especially not with two.
5. When you wake up one day and think, "What on earth makes someone in their right mind volunteer to go through this AGAIN? That maternal instinct defies all common sense."
4. Think the Dugger mom is either a saint straight from Heaven or on Zanax.
3. Crying and telling God you don't want to be pregnant anymore and then feeling guilty that you really don't mean it, but you do, but you don't DARE want anything bad to happen. Thank goodness He has the grace to handle that reality!
2. Being really mad at your husband, because it is in fact HIS FAULT!
1. And last but certainly not least, never being more thankful for toddler naps, the more the merrier for me. I don't even blink an eye at "what needs to get done". You can't blink when they are already closed! :)
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My dear sisters...............
I just wanted to write a personal note to my E.C. girls. I put some pictures above to show all the world what God has placed in my life during this journey. Meet Peri Pinto (bottom on right) known as Aunt PP to her sweet Bubby, my dearest girlfriend here. This gal makes life fun, let me tell you. She has taught me how to love wildly, how to live life to its fullest, even on the most average of days. When this lady sings to her King Jesus (and let me tell you it is pleasing to every one's ears) it is as if no one else is in the room. Man am I going to miss hearing her praise! Then my sweet Merideth (bottom on left)! This has been my spiritual mentor these past few months, but we feel like we have known each other for years. This lady has taught me how to love my Jesus more than I even knew possible. She is an amazing woman of God who lives it out in the private of her bedroom quiet time and desire to see everyone she comes in contact with fall madly in love with Jesus. Then my two "little" gals. Katelin and Chelsea (top right to left), my two sweet peas from Student Ministry who have adopted Cross as their own. They make me want to love the Lord more because their hearts beat to grow in Him. They love people like you wouldn't believe. They serve J and I with no desire for return. As you can tell, all of these sisters have made this move worth ever step of the 10 short months. I would do it all again in a heartbeat knowing I would get to share life with these women!
So, PP, I cannot thank you enough for giving us "drop in friends". You have no idea how cherished and loved you are by the Bullock crew and by your Savior. Your heart bleeds for Him and I promise you He is well pleased to say the least! I love you to death and will miss you like crazy but have been honored even if for a short time to get to share life with you and your family. Cross will miss his Mr. Keef like crazy, but we know this is only good bye til next time. And as far as your beautiful children go, no one on earth should be more proud. You have raised some of the sweetest of hearts and I will be praying for each of them as they continue on this journey called life. All of them, madly in love with their Jesus, and nothing less will do!!!!!!!!!! I am going to miss you like crazy, but wipe those tears dear one, the Friend of all Friends is right beside you I know! I love you so, k.
M.......... will I be able to feel Jesus without you by my side, yes, I know yes, but it sure felt good having you remind me everyday of His greatness. I have only met a small handful of people in my life that really demanded I love Him more, that I believe Him more, that I live for Him more and you my friend are at the top of that list. You are an "everyday mom" homeschooling, honoring your husband, ministering to your neighbors and driving that darn minivan that almost has me a believer and that my friend has been what has inspired me the most. You aren't waiting on some great ministry, you aren't waiting til something big happens, no, you are wildly in love with your Savior right where you are and you have no clue what an impact that has made on my life. I have never seen anyone who just studies the Bible like crazy, because, just because it brings you closer to the King. Please know you have made an eternal difference in my life and I will be forever grateful! Please know I am praying you through too. I certainly will never wonder if you are doing the same for me and many, many others.
Finally, my Kateseas.......... You two gals have kept me young and hip even though I am certain you wouldn't approve of the word hip. I thank you for being willing to shop in the maternity store and tell me the waiter is sooooooooooooo cute in the same night! I love you girls to death and please know that I believe in you and I believe the Lord has a mighty plan for BOTH of your lives. I fully expect a road trip from you two ASAP. Cross will be having withdrawals, who will give him his bath and a photo shoot all in the same night??? Girls, if you have not learned but one thing from me please let it be READ YOUR BIBLE. There is no relationship with the Savior apart from His Word and there is no life worth living apart from a relationship with the King. Read it often, study it deeply and treasure it more than even the cutest shirt on earth. It is your lifeline, the way you will make it and the ignition to the light that others will potentially see. I love you both!!!!!!!!!!
K
Well, there were many others that I loved dearly in this short stay. This church surrounded us, loved us, supported us and treated us as their own from day one. Sometimes you are humbled because your knees are broken and others by the traces of God's hand in your life. This is one of the later. How good is our Savior to provide down to even the most minute of details to those who love Him. Jesus, you have rocked my world these past few months not to even mention these past few days and it is You and You alone who deserves all the honor, glory and praise!
Amen,
K
Please forgive any gramatical errors, it is now 5:20 a.m. on moving day and Cross has been up for an hour so you can only imagine, pray lots :) This tired mommy will need nothing less than a miracle, but I have a Friend...........who is my friend! Love you all!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
God's Grace.........
First, I want to thank so many of you for your prayers. Jeremy and I have had an outpouring of people who are loving and praying us through this season and we are eternally thankful. Friday morning we will be heading out of Elizabeth City and slowly, but surely making our way to Clarksville, Tennessee. We never totally unpacked because we had intentions of hopefully one day buying a house here, just another example of God’s amazing grace. One, that we aren’t trying to sell a house and two that our packing duties are at a bare minimum. I will probably get by with only a few more boxes and off we will be. I have been overwhelmed this week with God’s grace so I just wanted to share with you guys some “God moments” both big and small and encourage you with the loudest message that the Lord has repeatly rang through my ears that is best stated God blesses obedience! I have felt lately that our life looks so random. I mean come on Bullocks, make up your mind and just get a job. I can promise you that no one would love that life more than this family, but that is not the life the Lord has called us to live. The other night, when I (the world’s greatest sleeper, especially with pregnancy exhaustion still looming) couldn’t sleep, I knew the Lord was calling me to get out of bed and spend some time with Him. Quiet frankly, I wanted to sleep. I was tired both physically and mentally and just to be completely honest, the last Person I wanted to speak to was the One I felt was causing all of this. I heard the Lord so clearly whisper in my ear, “You are mad at me and I am not going to let you go to sleep until we talk.” I guess the Inventor of “do not let the sun go down on your anger” takes it seriously, who knew? I, being a “good Christian girl”, would have never said “I am mad at God” but that’s the problem or the blessing however you want to look at it, HE KNOWS OUR HEART. The coolest part is, He knows our heart and He can handle what it is thinking. He isn’t going through an identity crisis thinking, “oh no, I hope Kelly is not mad at me”. One, because He is 100% secure in who He is and two because He is perfectly assure of the fact that He has done nothing to harm me, that He is only desiring to bless me. I like to think of it as He is totally secure in His parenting. So, begrudgingly, I got up, sat on the couch and spent the next 30 minutes “venting” my case at why all of this was not in either of our best interest. He lovingly listened and then I felt the hug of a lifetime that was sealed with a promise of “I know what I am doing”. I then preceeded, while I was up and all, to watch a Beth Moore that sent me straight to my knees in awe because I can’t even remember a time when someone spoke so clearly into MY situation. I felt as if she had written her new study, “Esther” just for me and that week 4 was taped for that night of my life in particular. Since that night, I can’t tell you the hundred other encouraging moments I have had with the Lord, from another video solely telling me over and over that God did have a plan for me life [THANK GOODNESS], to a list of verses and even a text from a friend that all talked about God’s overwhelming theme in the Bible of obedience being followed by blessing. The Lord knew how to give me the final push to at least do what I know I supposed to do and that is to help my man get our family moved back to our homeland and to set up shop and keep praying for “the rest of the story” to be revealed. I look forward to the day that I write you guys a blog that will at least give another chapter. I am praying that chapter will put a few more of the puzzle pieces of our life together because quiet frankly, for now it looks like a big mess that has just been dumped out of the box. Please continue to pray for our “next step”. Pray that we hear God because a theme I keep seeing in my Bible study is to follow every step or every detail so we are going to need our ears keened to assure that happens. Secondly, my man is a worker, one day around the house is about all he can handle and then he starts going crazy so please pray that AS SOON as we get to Clarksville doors will begin to open. He takes his job as the provider of our family very seriously so nothing unnerves him more than not knowing how all the details will fall. Finally, for me, I have lived in a good place this last year of not being "stuff" focused and I am praying that as we move into our adorable rental house in Clarksville that the “stuff bug” will not come back to bite. I pray that we are content and aren’t nearly as focused on the empty hole of fulfillment as we are on the souls placed in our path that need nothing short of the Savior of the world, Jesus. And to close, I just had to share one last grace gift I received and some of you may have already had this same amazing blessing, but good golly, if you haven’t tried the new Peppermint Mocca coffee creamer, by all means, go out quickly and receive God’s latest gift to mankind. It is nothing short of heavenly!
hahahaha, love you all!
Kelly
hahahaha, love you all!
Kelly
Monday, December 1, 2008
Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You.......
Ok, I cannot believe this but I am officially the mother of a one year old. My sweet friend's son has been asking for months, "whens cross not going to be zero no more?" Well Dylan, Cross is officially not zero anymore, he is a big boy one year old. We were so sad that we weren't with family, but our closest family friends, the Pintos, made it nothing less than the party of a lifetime. We all know that I most certainly did NOT make that sweet cake. Cross loves a puppy dog so his "Aunt PP" sure did make him a puppy cake. He got lots of fun gifts that he couldn't care less about opening, but loves, loves, loves to play with them. We are great friends with the whole family and one daughter was in from college so we had to have the party on Saturday so RayRay could be there for all the festivities. It was nothing less than perfect. This mom's whole world has been so crazy that I just couldn't have pulled off a real live party so I was thankful to say the least! I look forward to the Clarksville gang getting to hug and kiss those sweet cheeks. We love you guys and will see you very soon!
K
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Happy Day After Thanksgiving...........
Happy Day After Thanksgiving (Black Friday just doesn’t sound all that nice if you ask me)……..…..
Well, I can promise you guys this, I am up, but I am certainly not out shopping. Our Christmas gift this year is going to be moving back to Tennessee and unfortunately they are not having a two for one sale on this at Wal-Mart starting at 5 a.m. so looks like we are going to be paying full price. I am up early because my sweet love bug can’t make it most nights past 7 p.m. (just to clarify I do mean Cross and not Jeremy) without having to be whisked away for a good night sleep. This can be a great blessing after a long day of activity, but often comes with a wide awake, “rarin” to go by 6 a.m. ray of sunshine. I was going to share a little “moment” I had last night, but you guys have to promise to still like me even after I have shared my most unattractive sides. The Bible calls us to confess our sins to others, but I am starting to fear some of you are going to think “I liked that gal until I started getting to know her because she sure seems to have a lot of JUNK”. Well, that is true, but the good news is that even though it is still a lot, many of you did miss years of a landfill full being burned away. I like to think now we are in the fine tuning stages. It may be a phrase that makes me sleep better at night, but all the same, I am praying I am looking more like Christ instead of less.
So, back to my moment, it is kind of a long story so let’s just say that I was having one of those up and down days. If you read the previous blog you saw that my morning started with a much needed confessional. That was very helpful. After I aired my dirty laundry, I found so much joy yesterday in the big stuff and the small stuff. I was thankful and even did something very out of character and whipped up a batch of banana bread to take to the friends’ house that hosted us for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner however, shined another spotlight of revelation on some very unattractive behaviors that were buried deep behind my freshly showered self, make up and all (that is becoming a fashion moment for me instead of a daily occurrence but that is another blog for another day).
Basically, Cross is at that age where he is very “high maintenance” when we go places. Now I don’t at all mean that he is bad, I simply mean that he is almost one year old. That is really all you need to say. He can’t walk, and he can’t be trusted not to destroy anything that is in his path. He can’t “play” with other kids, he doesn’t know whether he wants to be fed or feed himself and he can’t tell you even if he decides and he can only make it for about 3-4 hours before a melt down is on the horizon. I can promise you that I know I have a big wake up call coming when the fits arrive to top the cake because he really was an angel. It simply made my selfishness arise again because life just refuses to be about me. I PERSONALLY wanted to chat with all the women in the kitchen. I mean these are our last days with our friends here and I wanted to fellowship for Turkey sake. Jeremy on the other hand, he PERSONALLY wanted to watch football and could you blame the guy? I noticed my frustration when Cross started this high pitch whine that I later interpreted as “I don’t want anything you are offering me. I want whatever you have in that glass.” Well, as all moms do, I broke the cardinal rule and gave in, I caved and turned back the sweet tea which at that moment seemed more like a glass of survival of the fittest than a fully sugared caffeinated beverage. Well, AS YOU CAN GUESS, that didn’t do it, no………………. he wanted more. Oh good gravy, this is where you get into breaking those rules of “I would never”. Now a year ago, I would have told you “I would NEVER put sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup.” I would have probably even said (only to myself for this one) but “HOW REDNECK.” Well, as if we didn’t know that I am Tennessee born and bred, I sure did open up that sippy cup and did whatever it would take for me to get to enjoy my green bean casserole and the best darn mac and cheese I have ever tasted. I put, and don’t panic if you are still in the “I would never club” it was only a tiny bit with a ton of water, sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup, screwed back on the lid, and smiled from ear to ear when he took the bait.
Ok, so as exciting as that may not seem, that wasn’t the revelation just the red flag. It was a red flag because despite the sweet tea, I didn’t do what my flesh was really wanting and scream at him “what on earth do you want child” and run away from life all together. The revelation started later that evening when my pity party continued because of course by 6:30 we were needing to head for home and fast. I just pouted. I had only been out a few short hours all week and here it was Thanksgiving night and we are closed in at 7 p.m. for good. There was nothing on TV as I should have guessed so I tried to be creative and pulled out my scrapbooking stuff and thought, make the best of it Kelly. Well, J did manage to find at least something to watch, men always can, it is a gift of theirs. It was some movie called “Click” with Adam Sandler and I was frankly too discourage to nag Jeremy about the frequent sexual innuendoes and the degrading humor. He was flipping between that, a football game, and the Incredibles so I thought, oh who cares, let it go Miss Legalism and let the man at least attempt to enjoy the 4 channels that we do retain signal. Well, much to my surprise, this movie had the most amazing message buried behind the cleavage and the corniness, it had a message of life being short, your kids growing up way too fast, and the regret of not putting your family first. All the while I am looking through our scrapbooks and then it just hit me, “I am doing it, I am doing what I never wanted to do, I am wishing Cross’ life away”.
You see, coming off of several weeks of first trimester sickness and full on exhaustion, I have turned into the mom who wants the child she does have to hurry up and grow up and doesn’t even look forward to the child she has coming. I have been so focused on all that I have “given up” that I am totally missing what I have been given. Please know that I am not mad at myself nor do I think God is mad at me, I just simply think He used that movie to give me a way in time wake-up call to enjoy these babies and this season while it lasts. I also received a book from a friend a few weeks ago that I for sure think is a must read for ALL MOMS. It is called “The Me in Mommy” by Lisa Welchel. I had a revelation then too, that I needed a LOT more mommy time than I was giving myself. I never dreamed that would be my problem. I am as far from the mom that never wants to leave her children as they come, but because of where we live, I have no option of a part time child care nor any family for a Friday night date. So in turn, instead of asking for a break, I have just sat here and let life happen and that in turn has created a lady who is mad at her child for simply being thirsty. It has made me want to cash in on motherhood all together.
So to sum it, last night after having a breakdown to Jeremy and him ever so sweetly allowing me to cry with him and look through Cross’ scrapbook, I told him I just wanted to go get Cross out of his crib and he did what has never happened in my practical man’s life, he said “go for it”. So what did I do, I whisked Cross back up from that crib, had all the lights off (except for the TV) and brought my baby boy who is growing way too fast into the living room and held him until I could literally feel the conviction on my heart go away. He was so sweet and I even fell back in love with the only mommy can love moment of a little toot when they wiggle. He was so sweet sucking on that passy and rubbing my arm. I think I, for the first time since the sickness started, got genuinely excited about the new baby that is on the way as well. I will say this experience has given me TOTAL grace for the mom who is completely overwhelmed that she is pregnant AGAIN. I would have said before, “no this is a blessing” but now I understand that sometimes even the biggest of blessings can feel like a death sentence at moments.
I honestly feel like I have been digging myself out of a small pit lately and I am hoping that you guys will be able to see the level ground through my writing very soon. I hope that sooner than later I am living victory more than defeat, but if my defeat at all motivates someone else to start digging than so be it, dig on dear sister in Christ. Satan has a lot of tools and as two lovely women in my life have spoken to me, “sometimes discouragement is his absolute favorite.” Sometimes is it is buried in a pit of sin and sometimes it is as simple as a bad day, turning into a bad week, then into a bad month, and before you know it into a bad lifetime. I love you all and if you have made it through this surprising long blog, I thank you so much for your prayers and patience with me as I stumble (hopefully forward) through this thing called life!
Because and only because of HIM,
Kelly
Well, I can promise you guys this, I am up, but I am certainly not out shopping. Our Christmas gift this year is going to be moving back to Tennessee and unfortunately they are not having a two for one sale on this at Wal-Mart starting at 5 a.m. so looks like we are going to be paying full price. I am up early because my sweet love bug can’t make it most nights past 7 p.m. (just to clarify I do mean Cross and not Jeremy) without having to be whisked away for a good night sleep. This can be a great blessing after a long day of activity, but often comes with a wide awake, “rarin” to go by 6 a.m. ray of sunshine. I was going to share a little “moment” I had last night, but you guys have to promise to still like me even after I have shared my most unattractive sides. The Bible calls us to confess our sins to others, but I am starting to fear some of you are going to think “I liked that gal until I started getting to know her because she sure seems to have a lot of JUNK”. Well, that is true, but the good news is that even though it is still a lot, many of you did miss years of a landfill full being burned away. I like to think now we are in the fine tuning stages. It may be a phrase that makes me sleep better at night, but all the same, I am praying I am looking more like Christ instead of less.
So, back to my moment, it is kind of a long story so let’s just say that I was having one of those up and down days. If you read the previous blog you saw that my morning started with a much needed confessional. That was very helpful. After I aired my dirty laundry, I found so much joy yesterday in the big stuff and the small stuff. I was thankful and even did something very out of character and whipped up a batch of banana bread to take to the friends’ house that hosted us for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner however, shined another spotlight of revelation on some very unattractive behaviors that were buried deep behind my freshly showered self, make up and all (that is becoming a fashion moment for me instead of a daily occurrence but that is another blog for another day).
Basically, Cross is at that age where he is very “high maintenance” when we go places. Now I don’t at all mean that he is bad, I simply mean that he is almost one year old. That is really all you need to say. He can’t walk, and he can’t be trusted not to destroy anything that is in his path. He can’t “play” with other kids, he doesn’t know whether he wants to be fed or feed himself and he can’t tell you even if he decides and he can only make it for about 3-4 hours before a melt down is on the horizon. I can promise you that I know I have a big wake up call coming when the fits arrive to top the cake because he really was an angel. It simply made my selfishness arise again because life just refuses to be about me. I PERSONALLY wanted to chat with all the women in the kitchen. I mean these are our last days with our friends here and I wanted to fellowship for Turkey sake. Jeremy on the other hand, he PERSONALLY wanted to watch football and could you blame the guy? I noticed my frustration when Cross started this high pitch whine that I later interpreted as “I don’t want anything you are offering me. I want whatever you have in that glass.” Well, as all moms do, I broke the cardinal rule and gave in, I caved and turned back the sweet tea which at that moment seemed more like a glass of survival of the fittest than a fully sugared caffeinated beverage. Well, AS YOU CAN GUESS, that didn’t do it, no………………. he wanted more. Oh good gravy, this is where you get into breaking those rules of “I would never”. Now a year ago, I would have told you “I would NEVER put sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup.” I would have probably even said (only to myself for this one) but “HOW REDNECK.” Well, as if we didn’t know that I am Tennessee born and bred, I sure did open up that sippy cup and did whatever it would take for me to get to enjoy my green bean casserole and the best darn mac and cheese I have ever tasted. I put, and don’t panic if you are still in the “I would never club” it was only a tiny bit with a ton of water, sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup, screwed back on the lid, and smiled from ear to ear when he took the bait.
Ok, so as exciting as that may not seem, that wasn’t the revelation just the red flag. It was a red flag because despite the sweet tea, I didn’t do what my flesh was really wanting and scream at him “what on earth do you want child” and run away from life all together. The revelation started later that evening when my pity party continued because of course by 6:30 we were needing to head for home and fast. I just pouted. I had only been out a few short hours all week and here it was Thanksgiving night and we are closed in at 7 p.m. for good. There was nothing on TV as I should have guessed so I tried to be creative and pulled out my scrapbooking stuff and thought, make the best of it Kelly. Well, J did manage to find at least something to watch, men always can, it is a gift of theirs. It was some movie called “Click” with Adam Sandler and I was frankly too discourage to nag Jeremy about the frequent sexual innuendoes and the degrading humor. He was flipping between that, a football game, and the Incredibles so I thought, oh who cares, let it go Miss Legalism and let the man at least attempt to enjoy the 4 channels that we do retain signal. Well, much to my surprise, this movie had the most amazing message buried behind the cleavage and the corniness, it had a message of life being short, your kids growing up way too fast, and the regret of not putting your family first. All the while I am looking through our scrapbooks and then it just hit me, “I am doing it, I am doing what I never wanted to do, I am wishing Cross’ life away”.
You see, coming off of several weeks of first trimester sickness and full on exhaustion, I have turned into the mom who wants the child she does have to hurry up and grow up and doesn’t even look forward to the child she has coming. I have been so focused on all that I have “given up” that I am totally missing what I have been given. Please know that I am not mad at myself nor do I think God is mad at me, I just simply think He used that movie to give me a way in time wake-up call to enjoy these babies and this season while it lasts. I also received a book from a friend a few weeks ago that I for sure think is a must read for ALL MOMS. It is called “The Me in Mommy” by Lisa Welchel. I had a revelation then too, that I needed a LOT more mommy time than I was giving myself. I never dreamed that would be my problem. I am as far from the mom that never wants to leave her children as they come, but because of where we live, I have no option of a part time child care nor any family for a Friday night date. So in turn, instead of asking for a break, I have just sat here and let life happen and that in turn has created a lady who is mad at her child for simply being thirsty. It has made me want to cash in on motherhood all together.
So to sum it, last night after having a breakdown to Jeremy and him ever so sweetly allowing me to cry with him and look through Cross’ scrapbook, I told him I just wanted to go get Cross out of his crib and he did what has never happened in my practical man’s life, he said “go for it”. So what did I do, I whisked Cross back up from that crib, had all the lights off (except for the TV) and brought my baby boy who is growing way too fast into the living room and held him until I could literally feel the conviction on my heart go away. He was so sweet and I even fell back in love with the only mommy can love moment of a little toot when they wiggle. He was so sweet sucking on that passy and rubbing my arm. I think I, for the first time since the sickness started, got genuinely excited about the new baby that is on the way as well. I will say this experience has given me TOTAL grace for the mom who is completely overwhelmed that she is pregnant AGAIN. I would have said before, “no this is a blessing” but now I understand that sometimes even the biggest of blessings can feel like a death sentence at moments.
I honestly feel like I have been digging myself out of a small pit lately and I am hoping that you guys will be able to see the level ground through my writing very soon. I hope that sooner than later I am living victory more than defeat, but if my defeat at all motivates someone else to start digging than so be it, dig on dear sister in Christ. Satan has a lot of tools and as two lovely women in my life have spoken to me, “sometimes discouragement is his absolute favorite.” Sometimes is it is buried in a pit of sin and sometimes it is as simple as a bad day, turning into a bad week, then into a bad month, and before you know it into a bad lifetime. I love you all and if you have made it through this surprising long blog, I thank you so much for your prayers and patience with me as I stumble (hopefully forward) through this thing called life!
Because and only because of HIM,
Kelly
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving.........
This morning as I journaled to my Savior, I just had to stop and repent that it takes a national holiday for me to stop and be thankful. I personally tend to focus on all that I don’t have 364 days out of the year and then scramble to get all my thanksgivings in during one short day squished between complaining about not being home with family and stuffing myself full of rich goodies. I am sickened by my heart’s reality check, but it just comes so natural for me to be thankless. I mean the reality is I look around and see an amazing husband, the cutest darn kid in the whole world (second only to yours of course) and even a sweet puppy who is currently allowing her rear to be a cozy pillow for my head. I am warm thanks to my heater and I just got out of a fluffy mattress and drank some deliciously clean water. I wonder how often the Lord shakes His head at this spoiled brat thinking, “Kelly, really, you have it so bad.” I am such a wimp, I don’t think I could even handle hard. I would probably just curl up and die. So today, my prayer, it is listed at the top of the blog and needs to start being more of a consistent plea with God to change this selfish heart and pray that hopefully next Thanksgiving when I wake up I won’t feel one year behind on my thanksgivings. Pslam 51:10 “Create in me a pure heart Oh Lord, and renew in me a steadfast spirit.” I have studied that the original word for “create” means to create from nothing, not to refashion, but to literally create. Well thank goodness, because there is nothing much to work with in the first place. I want this heart’s natural tendency to be thankful which will most certainly need to be a miracle of the Lord because I, left to my own flesh, am certain to die wallowing in my own self pity. I am sorry Lord that I naturally complain, whine, compare, and spend most of my days fully enthralled in a one guest only pity party. I pray that you will cover my selfishness with the blood of Jesus and begin to create from scratch a new heart that consistently runs towards a joy that awakes me every morning with a heart that if full of thanksgiving. I pray that you will do such a work in my heart that I don’t even recognize myself in the years to come. I pray that Thanksgiving become just another day to pay You glory instead of a day of catching up on lost realized blessings. You did enough on the cross to have me on my knees everyday in total admiration. You have offered me an intimate relationship that has caused me to feel You literally in my car or in my living room. You have given me a calling and a purpose on this earth that even I could not handle if I knew all of the details. What on earth more could a girl ask for? So today, Thanksgiving it is, but next year tune in for a miraculously changed heart that will do this thing more intuitively because of a much needed heart transplant and not one from another thankless soul, one that has been created anew!
Naturally so darn selfish,
Kelly
Naturally so darn selfish,
Kelly
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Desperation produces contentment..............
Hey guys, well, I guess all I can say is to please pull up a chair because this one may just make a record for lengthy. I have chatted with a few of you, but I never know what to do other than just blog because life never allows for a one-on-one chat with all the people you love. What a blessing, that I have TOO many friends to call each of you and have a heart to heart. Sometimes I think that we are losing personal relationships and other times I feel like we are just that incredibly blessed and that the blogs are a way we can still share life even when miles rip us apart. I will also tell you that my heart is very tender as I write. I have been on a huge roller coaster ride with Jesus for about 5 years now and as with any good roller coasters (I would NEVER dare step foot on a real one just for the record) it has its ups and it has its downs. It has twists and turns that make you scream with exhilaration, that makes you certain your heart will leap out of your chest and it has dips that make you certain something else (unspeakable) will come out for sure. My God has rocked my world. He has pulled me from the darkest grave any one person could have dug for them self and set me into a life I never dreamed was even possible. Along this ride, I have had a million great joys, I have also had my fair share of living out what the Bible repeatedly promises, and I have had to pick up my Cross, die to self, and follow my King Jesus even when not one ounce of His calling has made a lick of sense.
Well, today is one of a combination, exhilaration and confusion, excitement mixed with a hint of “what on earth are we doing”. To make a very long story somewhat short, a few months ago the Lord began a stirring in Jeremy’s and my heart. I have heard that lingo used before and I never feel like that does a great job of explaining what you feel, but I am left clueless of another. Maybe….. that something isn’t okay anymore, that something needs to change, that life as you knew it is now just not in God’s plan. We personally were in a great place as far as contentment. I think that is a huge blessing because we weren’t asking for a stirring by any stretch, we were literally just minding our own business and then almost overnight it hit. So that feeling along with months of prayers have led us to a certain detail but without a series of details, just steps. Step one, resign from our position here. See in “normal” life you don’t quit a job before you get a new one, but we just never had a peace about looking for other jobs (not counting that we had no clue what those other jobs were to be) before we informed our pastor. So, step one went awesome. The staff and elder team here has been so incredibly amazing. They loved us and supported us like crazy and I think really understood that we were just trying desperately to be obedient.
Ok, so I am not doing a great job of short, then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, then we couldn’t find a job we were at peace with or would even give us the time of day so out of my new favorite theme, “desperation produces contentment”, we were desperate and I was content with God giving us anything short of a next-step. I wanted a 5 year plan, but He just wouldn’t allow for it so all of the sudden a next step was enough to offer me more contentment than you could even imagine. Desperation for sure produces Contentment.
So the next step that the Lord gave us was Clarksville. Well, hallelujah, I mean grandparents, great friends, a great church. Then we prayed for the next steps, a home and a job. He immediately answered the home one with the coolest God story ever. Two families blessed with the deal. So now we are simply waiting on the job step.
So, how do I feel, well today for sure, I feel more content that I can even explain. I have a move date and a home to move to, the desperation of wanting an address puts all of life into perspective. When we moved here we experienced the same feelings. We were so desperate for a place to live that we could afford that the answer overrode the fact that the house had no central air, no dishwasher and J’s saddest moment, no garage. My man does enjoy a garage. So…… home we come! Some time during mid December we will be driving the Bullock crew, house, Cross, Snick, the baby in the oven, and all to the place J and I both love, home. Do I have a clue what life in the future has to offer, not one bit. I have no clue what state or series of jobs the Lord will call us to next, but for today, ONLY out of desperation, I have a spirit of contentment and a peace that passes all understanding. I have had days lately when I really thought I may creep into a depression never again to return. I have had moments where I wanted nothing more than to throw in the towel with this Jesus ride all the while knowing that would CERTAINLY not fix the problem. I am seeing His grace and the fact that you just can’t trust feelings (especially when you are pregnant) you have to trust nothing less than the Word. God is still rocking our world. He still has a plan for our life and He PROMISES that plan is to prosper and not to harm us! I am certain that He has something up His “sleeve” that is going to rock my world to the core, but for now He is revealing no sort of a plan, just steps and today I am so desperate that I will take it, what ever that even means.
So my question for you today is….. where is God taking you to the brink of total desperation in order to produce the (sometimes) only experience grown fruit of contentment? Where in your walk do you feel like He is totally absent and could that possibly be to lower your demands or hopefully expectations to land in alignment with His great plan for your life. What if He needs to teach you something in order to make the character match the calling?
I don’t know a lot about this Jesus thing, but the one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I have lived this life His way and I have lived it the opposite and His ways works a million times better. Although on the outside our life may not look all that exciting I have more peace and joy than I have ever even known was possible. He wants to make you look like Christ dear one and sometimes just to be honest, it isn’t so fun, but oh for the reflection to become clearer, what a joyous day that will be……………. I will see my Clarksville Crew soon and I’m going to miss my EC gals like words will never express, but I am perfectly assured that my gals here are so in love with their King that they too are in for the ride of their lives!
Desperately Content!
K
Well, today is one of a combination, exhilaration and confusion, excitement mixed with a hint of “what on earth are we doing”. To make a very long story somewhat short, a few months ago the Lord began a stirring in Jeremy’s and my heart. I have heard that lingo used before and I never feel like that does a great job of explaining what you feel, but I am left clueless of another. Maybe….. that something isn’t okay anymore, that something needs to change, that life as you knew it is now just not in God’s plan. We personally were in a great place as far as contentment. I think that is a huge blessing because we weren’t asking for a stirring by any stretch, we were literally just minding our own business and then almost overnight it hit. So that feeling along with months of prayers have led us to a certain detail but without a series of details, just steps. Step one, resign from our position here. See in “normal” life you don’t quit a job before you get a new one, but we just never had a peace about looking for other jobs (not counting that we had no clue what those other jobs were to be) before we informed our pastor. So, step one went awesome. The staff and elder team here has been so incredibly amazing. They loved us and supported us like crazy and I think really understood that we were just trying desperately to be obedient.
Ok, so I am not doing a great job of short, then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, then we couldn’t find a job we were at peace with or would even give us the time of day so out of my new favorite theme, “desperation produces contentment”, we were desperate and I was content with God giving us anything short of a next-step. I wanted a 5 year plan, but He just wouldn’t allow for it so all of the sudden a next step was enough to offer me more contentment than you could even imagine. Desperation for sure produces Contentment.
So the next step that the Lord gave us was Clarksville. Well, hallelujah, I mean grandparents, great friends, a great church. Then we prayed for the next steps, a home and a job. He immediately answered the home one with the coolest God story ever. Two families blessed with the deal. So now we are simply waiting on the job step.
So, how do I feel, well today for sure, I feel more content that I can even explain. I have a move date and a home to move to, the desperation of wanting an address puts all of life into perspective. When we moved here we experienced the same feelings. We were so desperate for a place to live that we could afford that the answer overrode the fact that the house had no central air, no dishwasher and J’s saddest moment, no garage. My man does enjoy a garage. So…… home we come! Some time during mid December we will be driving the Bullock crew, house, Cross, Snick, the baby in the oven, and all to the place J and I both love, home. Do I have a clue what life in the future has to offer, not one bit. I have no clue what state or series of jobs the Lord will call us to next, but for today, ONLY out of desperation, I have a spirit of contentment and a peace that passes all understanding. I have had days lately when I really thought I may creep into a depression never again to return. I have had moments where I wanted nothing more than to throw in the towel with this Jesus ride all the while knowing that would CERTAINLY not fix the problem. I am seeing His grace and the fact that you just can’t trust feelings (especially when you are pregnant) you have to trust nothing less than the Word. God is still rocking our world. He still has a plan for our life and He PROMISES that plan is to prosper and not to harm us! I am certain that He has something up His “sleeve” that is going to rock my world to the core, but for now He is revealing no sort of a plan, just steps and today I am so desperate that I will take it, what ever that even means.
So my question for you today is….. where is God taking you to the brink of total desperation in order to produce the (sometimes) only experience grown fruit of contentment? Where in your walk do you feel like He is totally absent and could that possibly be to lower your demands or hopefully expectations to land in alignment with His great plan for your life. What if He needs to teach you something in order to make the character match the calling?
I don’t know a lot about this Jesus thing, but the one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I have lived this life His way and I have lived it the opposite and His ways works a million times better. Although on the outside our life may not look all that exciting I have more peace and joy than I have ever even known was possible. He wants to make you look like Christ dear one and sometimes just to be honest, it isn’t so fun, but oh for the reflection to become clearer, what a joyous day that will be……………. I will see my Clarksville Crew soon and I’m going to miss my EC gals like words will never express, but I am perfectly assured that my gals here are so in love with their King that they too are in for the ride of their lives!
Desperately Content!
K
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