Saturday, October 13, 2012

April-You have got to be kidding me......

If I weren't 100% convinced that time really is flying (despite the fact that I feel like I have been pregnant forever) I just looked back at the date of my last post and it said APRIL! I honestly had no clue but that is neither here nor there in the importance of this post but had to certainly be stated and apologized for all the same. I will also say this, if I weren't randomly up at 3 a.m. this one pregnant night, this update would have never been completed either so it could have potentially been next April if it weren't for a pumpkin patch hamburger which lead to heartburn which is leading to a blog revamp. Who knew the depths of life's timeline?

I AM saying and vowing (with fingers crossed behind my back) that starting officially in 2013 my blog is going to be our family's scrapbook so the posts have potential to become more frequent and have way more pictures but as I am seeing, no need to make any promises that you have no clue whether or not real life will allow you to cash. I used to be very disappointed in these so called failures but I am seeing more and more that I am one person and that this one person better keep first things first or she will wake up one day with a million more regrets that are all ready guaranteed.

Also, I have been thoroughly confused on just how to tell you guys the story of our little SON (aka not the daughter my previous post proclaims) that is growing in this mommy's tummy.  I had my wonderful doctor check and recheck again (he laughed and said, sure thing if it will make you feel better) and sure enough "it" was still there.  You guys that know me well know I like to process publicly and I am not saying that is the wisest thing always and I try desperately to use discression but God has given me a peace to write so here I go. A heart poured out and probably at the avoidance of the vomiting perfect Facebook posts I see daily that I am too immature to smile about and be happy for so let's just shoot for this being my attempt at being real. I will first say that YES I do/did know there was a 50/50 chance.  I do know a few things about reproduction after numerous years at the Pregnancy Center so I  certainly knew there was a possibility it "could" be a boy.  But here is the thing about life in general, sometimes your knowledge is squed by your experience, wants, dreams, and even hurts.  I was shocked because sweet Chapel Elizabeth has been a child in my heart since we found out we were pregnant the very first time, Cross or Chapel was our question, which would it be, and as we all know it was Cross. I also think I am a bit panicked at our call to 4, even though that desire has been in my heart since I was a little girl playing house. All of a sudden practical things like money and age and energy and really crappy mom days have interfered with those dreams. I did have another boy, on "paper" even, Samuel Cord Bullock, life verse 1 Samuel 3:19, but he was going to be adopted and maybe (well definitely)  even as a toddler like Mercy girl had been and all would have been well with my soul, minus those 3 words the doctor stated that day "there it is". Why was I shocked, why was I distressed, how had I "missed" God, what was the core? It was deeper than what I could fathom and after weeks and weeks and even months and months of prayer, God began to reveal the root of my confusion and it was called pain. I had birthed a precious boy in 2007 that daily steals my heart with the stunning good looks of his father but I had also birthed a son in 2008 that too had the stunning good looks of his father but had nearly ripped my heart clear out of my chest never to be replaced again. Grief is an odd thing really, you feel like you are at a great spot and then something else triggers it and then you are reacting in ways that make no sense at all and then you finally realize the connection and your jaw is left dropped on the ultrasound room floor. But our God has been gracious to heal this mama's heart all over again. He has spoken to me and said to me "Kelly, I knew this child before the foundation of the earth. He is meant to be biological, He is meant to be 5 years younger. (And then the most personal and stunning part that had never crossed my mind-)  He is meant to be the 3rd strand of a tightly woven cord of siblings". So there you have it, I was still statistically stunned by my man's production of boys but I knew God was all over it and that was all I needed to know for certain. I can't wait to see if this little guy looks like his mama or if those darn Bullock genes just cannot be trumped and I have zero idea of when or where our sweet Chapel girl is going to come from but I am gonna refuse to bury that dream on the premise of my capabilities as a human and trust that if it is God's will that He will do the miracles it will take to make that not only happen, but to flourish.

So where am I today? 3.5 weeks and counting until my due date. No induction this time if I can possibly avoid it which leads to my (obvious) LEAST favorite thing in life which is surprises. I like a plan so now I am daily planning what would I do if I went into labor right now. That is simply pathetic and I am aware of the disorder yet without the strength to change the disposition. I would say I feel good, great would be an overstatement and horrible an overstatement as well. I am certainly rocking the control loss that 3 brings and just hoping that I haven't forgotten anything major but my standards have lowered about 2000% since Cross came along. Diapers and my milk supply (which is conveniently attached) and a handful of outfits and a car seat are all that are a must.

Minivan Mayhem is in full swing and God's grace in that has not yet ceased to amaze me. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined His hand would have been on something so heavily despite me. I also promised in the last post that I would give the new blog site for that but shockingly I didn't remember so here goes, better late than never. You will quickly be aware that someone else is in charge of that site because it is cute, up to date, and has glorious tabs which I couldn't make happen even if large sums of money were involved.

Cross is still the best looking kid ever (just kidding but not really). He is tall and looks more and more like a little boy. He looks just like his father and his kiss will absolutely melt my heart until the day I die. He is very excited about baby Cord yet he and Mercy are both convinced Chapel is coming next after my traumatic confusion that I insisted on spreading throughout the family.

Mercy, that mama is gonna be who raises sweet Cord. She cried and protested for days that it was a boy and not a girl but she too is now on cloud nine and certain to mama this poor boy to death. I just hope his wife will love her despite the spoiling that is about to take place. He may never lift a finger until he is 20 if she has anything to do with it and I could not be more thankful for the help I know she is to be. She may be the sole reason we can fathom 4 to be totally honest. She is a beautiful child, inside and out, smart as a whip both street and book and loves to talk and yes most certainly gets a lot of qualities from her mama (the talking not the smarts that is)!

And I'll just refrain from writing about my sweet man because it would all fall under the vomitingly perfect category and that has yet to encourage many but do know that marriage can be amazing if you will just get yourself right out of the way!

I think the best way to word things today is that we are all dreaming again, after a long, hard season, while waiting on a much more glorious Heaven, we are at least able at this very moment to be somewhat excited about what may be in the middle! Thank you guys for reading, our next post will Lord willing be the grand introduction of our biggest surprise in life to date, Mr. Samuel Cord Bullock! I am certain my heart will again never ever be the same!