Saturday, November 29, 2008

Happy Day After Thanksgiving...........

Happy Day After Thanksgiving (Black Friday just doesn’t sound all that nice if you ask me)……..…..

Well, I can promise you guys this, I am up, but I am certainly not out shopping. Our Christmas gift this year is going to be moving back to Tennessee and unfortunately they are not having a two for one sale on this at Wal-Mart starting at 5 a.m. so looks like we are going to be paying full price. I am up early because my sweet love bug can’t make it most nights past 7 p.m. (just to clarify I do mean Cross and not Jeremy) without having to be whisked away for a good night sleep. This can be a great blessing after a long day of activity, but often comes with a wide awake, “rarin” to go by 6 a.m. ray of sunshine. I was going to share a little “moment” I had last night, but you guys have to promise to still like me even after I have shared my most unattractive sides. The Bible calls us to confess our sins to others, but I am starting to fear some of you are going to think “I liked that gal until I started getting to know her because she sure seems to have a lot of JUNK”. Well, that is true, but the good news is that even though it is still a lot, many of you did miss years of a landfill full being burned away. I like to think now we are in the fine tuning stages. It may be a phrase that makes me sleep better at night, but all the same, I am praying I am looking more like Christ instead of less.

So, back to my moment, it is kind of a long story so let’s just say that I was having one of those up and down days. If you read the previous blog you saw that my morning started with a much needed confessional. That was very helpful. After I aired my dirty laundry, I found so much joy yesterday in the big stuff and the small stuff. I was thankful and even did something very out of character and whipped up a batch of banana bread to take to the friends’ house that hosted us for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner however, shined another spotlight of revelation on some very unattractive behaviors that were buried deep behind my freshly showered self, make up and all (that is becoming a fashion moment for me instead of a daily occurrence but that is another blog for another day).

Basically, Cross is at that age where he is very “high maintenance” when we go places. Now I don’t at all mean that he is bad, I simply mean that he is almost one year old. That is really all you need to say. He can’t walk, and he can’t be trusted not to destroy anything that is in his path. He can’t “play” with other kids, he doesn’t know whether he wants to be fed or feed himself and he can’t tell you even if he decides and he can only make it for about 3-4 hours before a melt down is on the horizon. I can promise you that I know I have a big wake up call coming when the fits arrive to top the cake because he really was an angel. It simply made my selfishness arise again because life just refuses to be about me. I PERSONALLY wanted to chat with all the women in the kitchen. I mean these are our last days with our friends here and I wanted to fellowship for Turkey sake. Jeremy on the other hand, he PERSONALLY wanted to watch football and could you blame the guy? I noticed my frustration when Cross started this high pitch whine that I later interpreted as “I don’t want anything you are offering me. I want whatever you have in that glass.” Well, as all moms do, I broke the cardinal rule and gave in, I caved and turned back the sweet tea which at that moment seemed more like a glass of survival of the fittest than a fully sugared caffeinated beverage. Well, AS YOU CAN GUESS, that didn’t do it, no………………. he wanted more. Oh good gravy, this is where you get into breaking those rules of “I would never”. Now a year ago, I would have told you “I would NEVER put sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup.” I would have probably even said (only to myself for this one) but “HOW REDNECK.” Well, as if we didn’t know that I am Tennessee born and bred, I sure did open up that sippy cup and did whatever it would take for me to get to enjoy my green bean casserole and the best darn mac and cheese I have ever tasted. I put, and don’t panic if you are still in the “I would never club” it was only a tiny bit with a ton of water, sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup, screwed back on the lid, and smiled from ear to ear when he took the bait.

Ok, so as exciting as that may not seem, that wasn’t the revelation just the red flag. It was a red flag because despite the sweet tea, I didn’t do what my flesh was really wanting and scream at him “what on earth do you want child” and run away from life all together. The revelation started later that evening when my pity party continued because of course by 6:30 we were needing to head for home and fast. I just pouted. I had only been out a few short hours all week and here it was Thanksgiving night and we are closed in at 7 p.m. for good. There was nothing on TV as I should have guessed so I tried to be creative and pulled out my scrapbooking stuff and thought, make the best of it Kelly. Well, J did manage to find at least something to watch, men always can, it is a gift of theirs. It was some movie called “Click” with Adam Sandler and I was frankly too discourage to nag Jeremy about the frequent sexual innuendoes and the degrading humor. He was flipping between that, a football game, and the Incredibles so I thought, oh who cares, let it go Miss Legalism and let the man at least attempt to enjoy the 4 channels that we do retain signal. Well, much to my surprise, this movie had the most amazing message buried behind the cleavage and the corniness, it had a message of life being short, your kids growing up way too fast, and the regret of not putting your family first. All the while I am looking through our scrapbooks and then it just hit me, “I am doing it, I am doing what I never wanted to do, I am wishing Cross’ life away”.

You see, coming off of several weeks of first trimester sickness and full on exhaustion, I have turned into the mom who wants the child she does have to hurry up and grow up and doesn’t even look forward to the child she has coming. I have been so focused on all that I have “given up” that I am totally missing what I have been given. Please know that I am not mad at myself nor do I think God is mad at me, I just simply think He used that movie to give me a way in time wake-up call to enjoy these babies and this season while it lasts. I also received a book from a friend a few weeks ago that I for sure think is a must read for ALL MOMS. It is called “The Me in Mommy” by Lisa Welchel. I had a revelation then too, that I needed a LOT more mommy time than I was giving myself. I never dreamed that would be my problem. I am as far from the mom that never wants to leave her children as they come, but because of where we live, I have no option of a part time child care nor any family for a Friday night date. So in turn, instead of asking for a break, I have just sat here and let life happen and that in turn has created a lady who is mad at her child for simply being thirsty. It has made me want to cash in on motherhood all together.

So to sum it, last night after having a breakdown to Jeremy and him ever so sweetly allowing me to cry with him and look through Cross’ scrapbook, I told him I just wanted to go get Cross out of his crib and he did what has never happened in my practical man’s life, he said “go for it”. So what did I do, I whisked Cross back up from that crib, had all the lights off (except for the TV) and brought my baby boy who is growing way too fast into the living room and held him until I could literally feel the conviction on my heart go away. He was so sweet and I even fell back in love with the only mommy can love moment of a little toot when they wiggle. He was so sweet sucking on that passy and rubbing my arm. I think I, for the first time since the sickness started, got genuinely excited about the new baby that is on the way as well. I will say this experience has given me TOTAL grace for the mom who is completely overwhelmed that she is pregnant AGAIN. I would have said before, “no this is a blessing” but now I understand that sometimes even the biggest of blessings can feel like a death sentence at moments.

I honestly feel like I have been digging myself out of a small pit lately and I am hoping that you guys will be able to see the level ground through my writing very soon. I hope that sooner than later I am living victory more than defeat, but if my defeat at all motivates someone else to start digging than so be it, dig on dear sister in Christ. Satan has a lot of tools and as two lovely women in my life have spoken to me, “sometimes discouragement is his absolute favorite.” Sometimes is it is buried in a pit of sin and sometimes it is as simple as a bad day, turning into a bad week, then into a bad month, and before you know it into a bad lifetime. I love you all and if you have made it through this surprising long blog, I thank you so much for your prayers and patience with me as I stumble (hopefully forward) through this thing called life!

Because and only because of HIM,

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving.........

This morning as I journaled to my Savior, I just had to stop and repent that it takes a national holiday for me to stop and be thankful. I personally tend to focus on all that I don’t have 364 days out of the year and then scramble to get all my thanksgivings in during one short day squished between complaining about not being home with family and stuffing myself full of rich goodies. I am sickened by my heart’s reality check, but it just comes so natural for me to be thankless. I mean the reality is I look around and see an amazing husband, the cutest darn kid in the whole world (second only to yours of course) and even a sweet puppy who is currently allowing her rear to be a cozy pillow for my head. I am warm thanks to my heater and I just got out of a fluffy mattress and drank some deliciously clean water. I wonder how often the Lord shakes His head at this spoiled brat thinking, “Kelly, really, you have it so bad.” I am such a wimp, I don’t think I could even handle hard. I would probably just curl up and die. So today, my prayer, it is listed at the top of the blog and needs to start being more of a consistent plea with God to change this selfish heart and pray that hopefully next Thanksgiving when I wake up I won’t feel one year behind on my thanksgivings. Pslam 51:10 “Create in me a pure heart Oh Lord, and renew in me a steadfast spirit.” I have studied that the original word for “create” means to create from nothing, not to refashion, but to literally create. Well thank goodness, because there is nothing much to work with in the first place. I want this heart’s natural tendency to be thankful which will most certainly need to be a miracle of the Lord because I, left to my own flesh, am certain to die wallowing in my own self pity. I am sorry Lord that I naturally complain, whine, compare, and spend most of my days fully enthralled in a one guest only pity party. I pray that you will cover my selfishness with the blood of Jesus and begin to create from scratch a new heart that consistently runs towards a joy that awakes me every morning with a heart that if full of thanksgiving. I pray that you will do such a work in my heart that I don’t even recognize myself in the years to come. I pray that Thanksgiving become just another day to pay You glory instead of a day of catching up on lost realized blessings. You did enough on the cross to have me on my knees everyday in total admiration. You have offered me an intimate relationship that has caused me to feel You literally in my car or in my living room. You have given me a calling and a purpose on this earth that even I could not handle if I knew all of the details. What on earth more could a girl ask for? So today, Thanksgiving it is, but next year tune in for a miraculously changed heart that will do this thing more intuitively because of a much needed heart transplant and not one from another thankless soul, one that has been created anew!

Naturally so darn selfish,

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Desperation produces contentment..............

Hey guys, well, I guess all I can say is to please pull up a chair because this one may just make a record for lengthy. I have chatted with a few of you, but I never know what to do other than just blog because life never allows for a one-on-one chat with all the people you love. What a blessing, that I have TOO many friends to call each of you and have a heart to heart. Sometimes I think that we are losing personal relationships and other times I feel like we are just that incredibly blessed and that the blogs are a way we can still share life even when miles rip us apart. I will also tell you that my heart is very tender as I write. I have been on a huge roller coaster ride with Jesus for about 5 years now and as with any good roller coasters (I would NEVER dare step foot on a real one just for the record) it has its ups and it has its downs. It has twists and turns that make you scream with exhilaration, that makes you certain your heart will leap out of your chest and it has dips that make you certain something else (unspeakable) will come out for sure. My God has rocked my world. He has pulled me from the darkest grave any one person could have dug for them self and set me into a life I never dreamed was even possible. Along this ride, I have had a million great joys, I have also had my fair share of living out what the Bible repeatedly promises, and I have had to pick up my Cross, die to self, and follow my King Jesus even when not one ounce of His calling has made a lick of sense.

Well, today is one of a combination, exhilaration and confusion, excitement mixed with a hint of “what on earth are we doing”. To make a very long story somewhat short, a few months ago the Lord began a stirring in Jeremy’s and my heart. I have heard that lingo used before and I never feel like that does a great job of explaining what you feel, but I am left clueless of another. Maybe….. that something isn’t okay anymore, that something needs to change, that life as you knew it is now just not in God’s plan. We personally were in a great place as far as contentment. I think that is a huge blessing because we weren’t asking for a stirring by any stretch, we were literally just minding our own business and then almost overnight it hit. So that feeling along with months of prayers have led us to a certain detail but without a series of details, just steps. Step one, resign from our position here. See in “normal” life you don’t quit a job before you get a new one, but we just never had a peace about looking for other jobs (not counting that we had no clue what those other jobs were to be) before we informed our pastor. So, step one went awesome. The staff and elder team here has been so incredibly amazing. They loved us and supported us like crazy and I think really understood that we were just trying desperately to be obedient.

Ok, so I am not doing a great job of short, then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, then we couldn’t find a job we were at peace with or would even give us the time of day so out of my new favorite theme, “desperation produces contentment”, we were desperate and I was content with God giving us anything short of a next-step. I wanted a 5 year plan, but He just wouldn’t allow for it so all of the sudden a next step was enough to offer me more contentment than you could even imagine. Desperation for sure produces Contentment.
So the next step that the Lord gave us was Clarksville. Well, hallelujah, I mean grandparents, great friends, a great church. Then we prayed for the next steps, a home and a job. He immediately answered the home one with the coolest God story ever. Two families blessed with the deal. So now we are simply waiting on the job step.

So, how do I feel, well today for sure, I feel more content that I can even explain. I have a move date and a home to move to, the desperation of wanting an address puts all of life into perspective. When we moved here we experienced the same feelings. We were so desperate for a place to live that we could afford that the answer overrode the fact that the house had no central air, no dishwasher and J’s saddest moment, no garage. My man does enjoy a garage. So…… home we come! Some time during mid December we will be driving the Bullock crew, house, Cross, Snick, the baby in the oven, and all to the place J and I both love, home. Do I have a clue what life in the future has to offer, not one bit. I have no clue what state or series of jobs the Lord will call us to next, but for today, ONLY out of desperation, I have a spirit of contentment and a peace that passes all understanding. I have had days lately when I really thought I may creep into a depression never again to return. I have had moments where I wanted nothing more than to throw in the towel with this Jesus ride all the while knowing that would CERTAINLY not fix the problem. I am seeing His grace and the fact that you just can’t trust feelings (especially when you are pregnant) you have to trust nothing less than the Word. God is still rocking our world. He still has a plan for our life and He PROMISES that plan is to prosper and not to harm us! I am certain that He has something up His “sleeve” that is going to rock my world to the core, but for now He is revealing no sort of a plan, just steps and today I am so desperate that I will take it, what ever that even means.

So my question for you today is….. where is God taking you to the brink of total desperation in order to produce the (sometimes) only experience grown fruit of contentment? Where in your walk do you feel like He is totally absent and could that possibly be to lower your demands or hopefully expectations to land in alignment with His great plan for your life. What if He needs to teach you something in order to make the character match the calling?

I don’t know a lot about this Jesus thing, but the one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I have lived this life His way and I have lived it the opposite and His ways works a million times better. Although on the outside our life may not look all that exciting I have more peace and joy than I have ever even known was possible. He wants to make you look like Christ dear one and sometimes just to be honest, it isn’t so fun, but oh for the reflection to become clearer, what a joyous day that will be……………. I will see my Clarksville Crew soon and I’m going to miss my EC gals like words will never express, but I am perfectly assured that my gals here are so in love with their King that they too are in for the ride of their lives!

Desperately Content!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Mr. President……………

Good morning gang, whether you are thrilled this a.m. with the results of the Presidential election or whether you are not wanting to believe it really happened, I want to challenge all of you to land with me on some things that we can all agree are Biblical to say the least. The Bible teaches that God places ALL authority (Romans 13:1-7) and that we are called to respect our authority for its position, not for its position holder (Heb 13:17). I am committed to pray for Obama, to pray that the Lord leads him and guides him through his decisions. I pray that the Lord places godly advisors around him that will teach him the Word and the blessing of Discerning the Voice of God. I pray that he does nothing while in power that will jeopardize the right to life. I pray that our God will meet Him in his room in the White House and speak to him on a conviction regarding abortion that will rock anything he has stood for in the past. I pray that we as Christians will commit to NEVER speak an ugly word towards our President whether in public or in private. I pray that we take God’s Word seriously in this matter. We are called to love and respect our authority and I think others would see Christ through that reaction alone. This man has a task ahead of him that none of us need to even pretend to fathom. I think our prayers for him regarding foreign affairs, the economy, and energy are the uplifting that Obama needs. I pray that regardless of who is supporting him in the spotlight, that his closest confidants are madly in love with Jesus and that they encourage his faith. When studying the Bible it is blatant that the Lord blesses leaders who hear His voice and lead how the Spirit instructs. I pray that behind the scenes his knees wear out the carpet of the Oval Office. I love you guys and I am honored to be a part of a generation where race is becoming a distant memory and where our country is really an equal opportunity employer. Let’s commit today to lift Obama up and intercede on his behalf and believe that with man things are impossible, but with God ALL things are possible (Luke 18:27)!

110% Behind our President Elect,

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Miss you lots.............

Hey gang! I feel like it has been months since we chatted! Things have been a little wild around here to say the least. We have traveled lots and even my adventurous side is all pooped and ready to be home for an extended stay! Thanksgiving will be in E-City for certain! I have a lot of good stuff to share! I just got a copy of the CDs from the Relentless conference that I went to last month and as I started listening I found myself saying "I've GOT to share this with you guys". Here are just some things for you to ponder, I am pondering too, promise! Jeremy and I also have some unexpected, but amazing news.............yes, #2 is on the way. I so wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound to share with you guys, but a few people know and the word on the street is traveling fast! We are so thrilled to say the least. At the Pregnancy Center I was able to get an ultrasound right away, but now that I am just an average Joe (no pun intended) I have to wait on an appointment. How absurd! hahhaha So next Wednesday I will hopefully see a healthy little bundle and quiet frankly would be thrilled if there were two bundles. This has been a hard month of pregnancy, but I feel like our family is supposed to have 3 babies so I would love nothing more than to just knock it out and be done. We are overwhelmed with their closeness, but we know it will be a season that will reap great rewards! My brain is fried and I take every nap that Cross takes and am finally not feeling like I am going to throw up every time I move so my excitement is increasing daily. For a week or so I just wondered what on earth we had done! I would still greatly appreciate any and all prayers being sent my way! Ok, so back to the conference. I asked myself, "am I really relentless" " do I really plan to stick this Jesus thing out til the end, regardless" I pray my answer is always YES! Read over these highlights and let me know if you were as convicted as me! Love you lots! Cade or Chapel will be here ASAP! :)


Somebody's got to be a demonstration that this Bible works! Are you that someone?

Can God trust you with the last thing He told you to do?

Are you perfecting phoniness or realness?

Is it enough that He saved you? Period, no strings attached, or do you demand more?