Saturday, November 29, 2008

Happy Day After Thanksgiving...........

Happy Day After Thanksgiving (Black Friday just doesn’t sound all that nice if you ask me)……..…..

Well, I can promise you guys this, I am up, but I am certainly not out shopping. Our Christmas gift this year is going to be moving back to Tennessee and unfortunately they are not having a two for one sale on this at Wal-Mart starting at 5 a.m. so looks like we are going to be paying full price. I am up early because my sweet love bug can’t make it most nights past 7 p.m. (just to clarify I do mean Cross and not Jeremy) without having to be whisked away for a good night sleep. This can be a great blessing after a long day of activity, but often comes with a wide awake, “rarin” to go by 6 a.m. ray of sunshine. I was going to share a little “moment” I had last night, but you guys have to promise to still like me even after I have shared my most unattractive sides. The Bible calls us to confess our sins to others, but I am starting to fear some of you are going to think “I liked that gal until I started getting to know her because she sure seems to have a lot of JUNK”. Well, that is true, but the good news is that even though it is still a lot, many of you did miss years of a landfill full being burned away. I like to think now we are in the fine tuning stages. It may be a phrase that makes me sleep better at night, but all the same, I am praying I am looking more like Christ instead of less.

So, back to my moment, it is kind of a long story so let’s just say that I was having one of those up and down days. If you read the previous blog you saw that my morning started with a much needed confessional. That was very helpful. After I aired my dirty laundry, I found so much joy yesterday in the big stuff and the small stuff. I was thankful and even did something very out of character and whipped up a batch of banana bread to take to the friends’ house that hosted us for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner however, shined another spotlight of revelation on some very unattractive behaviors that were buried deep behind my freshly showered self, make up and all (that is becoming a fashion moment for me instead of a daily occurrence but that is another blog for another day).

Basically, Cross is at that age where he is very “high maintenance” when we go places. Now I don’t at all mean that he is bad, I simply mean that he is almost one year old. That is really all you need to say. He can’t walk, and he can’t be trusted not to destroy anything that is in his path. He can’t “play” with other kids, he doesn’t know whether he wants to be fed or feed himself and he can’t tell you even if he decides and he can only make it for about 3-4 hours before a melt down is on the horizon. I can promise you that I know I have a big wake up call coming when the fits arrive to top the cake because he really was an angel. It simply made my selfishness arise again because life just refuses to be about me. I PERSONALLY wanted to chat with all the women in the kitchen. I mean these are our last days with our friends here and I wanted to fellowship for Turkey sake. Jeremy on the other hand, he PERSONALLY wanted to watch football and could you blame the guy? I noticed my frustration when Cross started this high pitch whine that I later interpreted as “I don’t want anything you are offering me. I want whatever you have in that glass.” Well, as all moms do, I broke the cardinal rule and gave in, I caved and turned back the sweet tea which at that moment seemed more like a glass of survival of the fittest than a fully sugared caffeinated beverage. Well, AS YOU CAN GUESS, that didn’t do it, no………………. he wanted more. Oh good gravy, this is where you get into breaking those rules of “I would never”. Now a year ago, I would have told you “I would NEVER put sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup.” I would have probably even said (only to myself for this one) but “HOW REDNECK.” Well, as if we didn’t know that I am Tennessee born and bred, I sure did open up that sippy cup and did whatever it would take for me to get to enjoy my green bean casserole and the best darn mac and cheese I have ever tasted. I put, and don’t panic if you are still in the “I would never club” it was only a tiny bit with a ton of water, sweet tea in my child’s sippy cup, screwed back on the lid, and smiled from ear to ear when he took the bait.

Ok, so as exciting as that may not seem, that wasn’t the revelation just the red flag. It was a red flag because despite the sweet tea, I didn’t do what my flesh was really wanting and scream at him “what on earth do you want child” and run away from life all together. The revelation started later that evening when my pity party continued because of course by 6:30 we were needing to head for home and fast. I just pouted. I had only been out a few short hours all week and here it was Thanksgiving night and we are closed in at 7 p.m. for good. There was nothing on TV as I should have guessed so I tried to be creative and pulled out my scrapbooking stuff and thought, make the best of it Kelly. Well, J did manage to find at least something to watch, men always can, it is a gift of theirs. It was some movie called “Click” with Adam Sandler and I was frankly too discourage to nag Jeremy about the frequent sexual innuendoes and the degrading humor. He was flipping between that, a football game, and the Incredibles so I thought, oh who cares, let it go Miss Legalism and let the man at least attempt to enjoy the 4 channels that we do retain signal. Well, much to my surprise, this movie had the most amazing message buried behind the cleavage and the corniness, it had a message of life being short, your kids growing up way too fast, and the regret of not putting your family first. All the while I am looking through our scrapbooks and then it just hit me, “I am doing it, I am doing what I never wanted to do, I am wishing Cross’ life away”.

You see, coming off of several weeks of first trimester sickness and full on exhaustion, I have turned into the mom who wants the child she does have to hurry up and grow up and doesn’t even look forward to the child she has coming. I have been so focused on all that I have “given up” that I am totally missing what I have been given. Please know that I am not mad at myself nor do I think God is mad at me, I just simply think He used that movie to give me a way in time wake-up call to enjoy these babies and this season while it lasts. I also received a book from a friend a few weeks ago that I for sure think is a must read for ALL MOMS. It is called “The Me in Mommy” by Lisa Welchel. I had a revelation then too, that I needed a LOT more mommy time than I was giving myself. I never dreamed that would be my problem. I am as far from the mom that never wants to leave her children as they come, but because of where we live, I have no option of a part time child care nor any family for a Friday night date. So in turn, instead of asking for a break, I have just sat here and let life happen and that in turn has created a lady who is mad at her child for simply being thirsty. It has made me want to cash in on motherhood all together.

So to sum it, last night after having a breakdown to Jeremy and him ever so sweetly allowing me to cry with him and look through Cross’ scrapbook, I told him I just wanted to go get Cross out of his crib and he did what has never happened in my practical man’s life, he said “go for it”. So what did I do, I whisked Cross back up from that crib, had all the lights off (except for the TV) and brought my baby boy who is growing way too fast into the living room and held him until I could literally feel the conviction on my heart go away. He was so sweet and I even fell back in love with the only mommy can love moment of a little toot when they wiggle. He was so sweet sucking on that passy and rubbing my arm. I think I, for the first time since the sickness started, got genuinely excited about the new baby that is on the way as well. I will say this experience has given me TOTAL grace for the mom who is completely overwhelmed that she is pregnant AGAIN. I would have said before, “no this is a blessing” but now I understand that sometimes even the biggest of blessings can feel like a death sentence at moments.

I honestly feel like I have been digging myself out of a small pit lately and I am hoping that you guys will be able to see the level ground through my writing very soon. I hope that sooner than later I am living victory more than defeat, but if my defeat at all motivates someone else to start digging than so be it, dig on dear sister in Christ. Satan has a lot of tools and as two lovely women in my life have spoken to me, “sometimes discouragement is his absolute favorite.” Sometimes is it is buried in a pit of sin and sometimes it is as simple as a bad day, turning into a bad week, then into a bad month, and before you know it into a bad lifetime. I love you all and if you have made it through this surprising long blog, I thank you so much for your prayers and patience with me as I stumble (hopefully forward) through this thing called life!

Because and only because of HIM,


The Smith's said...

I've got my shovel, too... I'm digging right beside you. You are an AMAZING mom; Cross is so blessed to have you.

Love ya girl!

The Feicht Family said...

Aw, sweetie! Your post had me laughing and crying because I know EXACTLY what you mean. I do the same thing, and I know I just need to enjoy the time I have with my little man right now, but sometimes I forget that it's the most important thing I can do for him. Thanks for being so open and honest! Miss you, and hug that little baby one more time for me. I will definately hug mine (in the morning though, we still aren't through with the night terrors so I'm not taking that risk!) - em