Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Desperation produces contentment..............

Hey guys, well, I guess all I can say is to please pull up a chair because this one may just make a record for lengthy. I have chatted with a few of you, but I never know what to do other than just blog because life never allows for a one-on-one chat with all the people you love. What a blessing, that I have TOO many friends to call each of you and have a heart to heart. Sometimes I think that we are losing personal relationships and other times I feel like we are just that incredibly blessed and that the blogs are a way we can still share life even when miles rip us apart. I will also tell you that my heart is very tender as I write. I have been on a huge roller coaster ride with Jesus for about 5 years now and as with any good roller coasters (I would NEVER dare step foot on a real one just for the record) it has its ups and it has its downs. It has twists and turns that make you scream with exhilaration, that makes you certain your heart will leap out of your chest and it has dips that make you certain something else (unspeakable) will come out for sure. My God has rocked my world. He has pulled me from the darkest grave any one person could have dug for them self and set me into a life I never dreamed was even possible. Along this ride, I have had a million great joys, I have also had my fair share of living out what the Bible repeatedly promises, and I have had to pick up my Cross, die to self, and follow my King Jesus even when not one ounce of His calling has made a lick of sense.

Well, today is one of a combination, exhilaration and confusion, excitement mixed with a hint of “what on earth are we doing”. To make a very long story somewhat short, a few months ago the Lord began a stirring in Jeremy’s and my heart. I have heard that lingo used before and I never feel like that does a great job of explaining what you feel, but I am left clueless of another. Maybe….. that something isn’t okay anymore, that something needs to change, that life as you knew it is now just not in God’s plan. We personally were in a great place as far as contentment. I think that is a huge blessing because we weren’t asking for a stirring by any stretch, we were literally just minding our own business and then almost overnight it hit. So that feeling along with months of prayers have led us to a certain detail but without a series of details, just steps. Step one, resign from our position here. See in “normal” life you don’t quit a job before you get a new one, but we just never had a peace about looking for other jobs (not counting that we had no clue what those other jobs were to be) before we informed our pastor. So, step one went awesome. The staff and elder team here has been so incredibly amazing. They loved us and supported us like crazy and I think really understood that we were just trying desperately to be obedient.

Ok, so I am not doing a great job of short, then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, then we couldn’t find a job we were at peace with or would even give us the time of day so out of my new favorite theme, “desperation produces contentment”, we were desperate and I was content with God giving us anything short of a next-step. I wanted a 5 year plan, but He just wouldn’t allow for it so all of the sudden a next step was enough to offer me more contentment than you could even imagine. Desperation for sure produces Contentment.
So the next step that the Lord gave us was Clarksville. Well, hallelujah, I mean grandparents, great friends, a great church. Then we prayed for the next steps, a home and a job. He immediately answered the home one with the coolest God story ever. Two families blessed with the deal. So now we are simply waiting on the job step.

So, how do I feel, well today for sure, I feel more content that I can even explain. I have a move date and a home to move to, the desperation of wanting an address puts all of life into perspective. When we moved here we experienced the same feelings. We were so desperate for a place to live that we could afford that the answer overrode the fact that the house had no central air, no dishwasher and J’s saddest moment, no garage. My man does enjoy a garage. So…… home we come! Some time during mid December we will be driving the Bullock crew, house, Cross, Snick, the baby in the oven, and all to the place J and I both love, home. Do I have a clue what life in the future has to offer, not one bit. I have no clue what state or series of jobs the Lord will call us to next, but for today, ONLY out of desperation, I have a spirit of contentment and a peace that passes all understanding. I have had days lately when I really thought I may creep into a depression never again to return. I have had moments where I wanted nothing more than to throw in the towel with this Jesus ride all the while knowing that would CERTAINLY not fix the problem. I am seeing His grace and the fact that you just can’t trust feelings (especially when you are pregnant) you have to trust nothing less than the Word. God is still rocking our world. He still has a plan for our life and He PROMISES that plan is to prosper and not to harm us! I am certain that He has something up His “sleeve” that is going to rock my world to the core, but for now He is revealing no sort of a plan, just steps and today I am so desperate that I will take it, what ever that even means.

So my question for you today is….. where is God taking you to the brink of total desperation in order to produce the (sometimes) only experience grown fruit of contentment? Where in your walk do you feel like He is totally absent and could that possibly be to lower your demands or hopefully expectations to land in alignment with His great plan for your life. What if He needs to teach you something in order to make the character match the calling?

I don’t know a lot about this Jesus thing, but the one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I have lived this life His way and I have lived it the opposite and His ways works a million times better. Although on the outside our life may not look all that exciting I have more peace and joy than I have ever even known was possible. He wants to make you look like Christ dear one and sometimes just to be honest, it isn’t so fun, but oh for the reflection to become clearer, what a joyous day that will be……………. I will see my Clarksville Crew soon and I’m going to miss my EC gals like words will never express, but I am perfectly assured that my gals here are so in love with their King that they too are in for the ride of their lives!

Desperately Content!


Emily Doss said...

So glad you guys are coming back to C'ville! This is so exciting!

The Smith's said...

I love you, Kelly. I am so proud to say you're my friend, and so amazed by you. Not to mention, I am stoked to know that we can go to Front Page soon. :o)