Sunday, December 19, 2010

Emotional.....................

Hey Blog World,

I have about 451 million things to do in the next 3 days so I am doing what any normal human would be doing in my situation, blogging. What a great use of my time but I knew you of all people wouldn't mind and wouldn't judge me. So on to my title, topic at hand. I told Jeremy this morning "I think I may cry a lot at church today" (I am sure he thought to himself O GREAT) but he nicely said "why" and then I told him what every man loves to hear "I am just feeling a bit emotional" and honestly that word bit is a bit of a lie. To be totally honest I feel excitement, fear, anxiety, thrill, panic, amazement, the list could go on and on and on. I want to cry my eyeballs out one minute and the next I want to jump for joy. One minute I want to run get on a plane this second and the next I want to run away altogether. One minute I think A DAUGHTER, MY FIRST DAUGHTER, and then the next minute I am thinking, could this all really be happening?

People keep asking me as their eyes gleam with joy, "are you so excited?" I want so badly to say YES and sometimes I just do, but really I feel like saying, "no I am freaking out to be totally honest." I am flying very far away without my husband. I am leaving my son for Christmas who is also sick of all things. I have only met this child 2 short times and now she is about to be our daughter, I sure hope she likes us. And then the OCD planner in me wants things all organized and perfectly planned and that is NOT humanly possible in Ethiopia and to top it all off there is 1 FOOT of snow currently in London. I don't even know where to begin with that.

But the the good news of all this emotion is, I have Jesus. In the morning I will awake, I will drink hot chocolate, I will talk to the King of the Universe and He will calm my fears. Today at church our pastor got up and said (very loudly I might add) "do not be afraid". I thought how nice it was for him to give just little ol me a perfect and timely word. I felt sorry for all the other people who were there and didn't need that word because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had sent it just for me. So I (by His amazing grace) am going to attempt to take it one moment at a time. I am going to throw some things in a suitcase and come Wednesday at about 6 p.m. I am going to walk on a plane and then there will be no turning back. I will do it afraid. I will obey this calling. I will take whatever medicine is needed to calm my anxious nerves and I am going to go get my legacy regardless of my fears and reservations. I was born to mother this child. I was created to give her a life her precious mother could not give. I can do all things (including meet her mother, speaking of that) through Christ who gives me strength. God will give me the words to say while I am in court, I will pass court, I will NOT listen to satan's lies, I will bring that baby girl home soon and forever!

So while we are on the subject and while it is EXTREMELY obvious that I might need a "bit" of prayer, let me just go ahead and do what I really do best and just make you all a nice/neat list!

1. Pray that I will get what NEEDS to get done, done, and walk away. When I leave town I obsess over having everything perfectly set up for Cross and J (can we say CONTROL FREAK). I am partly just so thankful that Jeremy is so gracious to let me go on trips and I want to make his life so easy, but he is a BIG boy and he doesn't need me to (or ask me to for that matter) buy enough food for a month or lay out Cross' clothes for a week. They can handle it without me just fine!
2. Pray for my travel, I am not thrilled about our numerous layovers (other than the fact that it assures me some better meals along the way) because of the snow issue. I am out of my comfort zone ENOUGH as it is not to have to rework the flights or have delays and stay in OTHER foreign lands where there is not a guest house and interpreter waiting for me.
3. Details, there are 101 million details that I do not know right now and I am not the best at that "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of living that Ethiopia oh so loves. It is good for me I know, but pray I am FLEXIBLE yet not clueless!
4. My men, pray for my sweet men, pray J has an awesome Christmas, pray that Cross is not sick any longer and that he has the best time ever with Daddy.
5. My meeting with the birth mother. When things really freak me out I ignore them in my mind, it is an art really, but in a few days I will not be able to ignore the fact that I will possibly get to hug the woman who bore and so graciously "gave up" her daughter in order to make sure she had better nutrition. Mercy also has an older brother and I just want them to see Jesus. I want them to know we are forever indebted to their loss. I want them to find hope for their future through the hope of hers.
6. My travel and my friend's travel (pray a million blessings over her for going with me and her sweet family (she is an only child) who is letting her go and miss Christmas). Last time I didn't do so hot. I was so sick on the way home that I honestly at one point prayed to die. I knew satan wanted to torture me with the flight so that I would not be brave enough to make it again (twice technically). I remember saying out loud, try as hard as you want satan but if God opens the door for us to come back and get Mercy, I will make this flight again, I WILL! I need to eat more, a lot more than I did last trip. I need to take more meds, a lot more than I did last trip. And finally, I need to move around more which the layovers will allow for certainly.
7. And finally, keep praying for the funds, we have two grants that will be looking at our family this month. Pray that our paperwork has unmerited favor on it and that we get the fullest grant amounts possible. That would basically complete our fundraising and with her coming home in less than 2 months that would be huge! We had an amazing blessing this weekend that I will tell you more about later, but in one day, one ordinary day, we received over $1300.00. That is a Jesus surprise for certain!

Ok, I am getting off and probably going to snuggle tight with my sweet husband in order to get in a few more together nights. He is the best man, the best husband, and by far the best daddy on earth. Little Mercy girl has no idea the blessing God is giving her with that man. She is going to be the absolute love of his life I know and I can't wait to witness every single moment! I love you guys and I can't thank you enough for your prayers! Next post.......................................will be PICTURES!!!!!!! Stay tuned!

K

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Kelly...you have me crying over here for you, with you, for Mercy, her birthmom, and for your whole family. Prayers are most certainly being said and thank you so much for detailing them out so I know how to pray specifics. Love you sweet friend