Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Joshua Cade Bullock

This was written on Monday morning, December 29th, just now getting to post……..

Good Morning Everyone! Although posting great news by blog is still hard because my personality would love nothing more than to tell each of you in person, posting bad news is certainly 1,000 times worse. Yesterday, December 28, 2008, at 1:37 p.m. our precious baby boy was born at 6 ½ inches and 3.7oz and he was blessed to never have to fully enter this world, but to go straight to be with Jesus. This morning (not even 24 hours out) as I awoke for the first time in months with an empty womb the tears would not seem to cease. I know that the days ahead are going to be filled with ups and downs so I am asking for prayer for our entire family as this is a loss for many more than just Jeremy and I. For anyone with a medical mind or a mommy one, I was 16 weeks and had an incompetent cervix. I went into labor yesterday morning as we were heading back to Clarksville after a wonderful visit with my family. We went to the emergency room in Smyrna, Tennessee where I have been treated like an absolute queen from the moment I walk in the door and probably largely due to the excess pain medication, yesterday I handled my emotions abnormally well, but today the reality check has hit from the moment my eyes awoke.

You know the old saying, you can’t believe everything you hear, well let me tell you, I am having to practice that full force because satan, the author and father of all lies, the terror of this earth (John 8:44), is the only one capable of haunting someone who has experience such a loss with a long list of lies that the Father of Creation is not even capable of thinking. My God has been so good through all of this to protect me from that enemy and I will not back down for one second and allow his harsh accusations to become a focus of my day. Satan has told me, “if only”, if only I had gone to the doctor sooner, when I saw things that were unusual that Cade would be with us today. Another “if only” is that a simple procedure could have been done in order to stitch my cervix in order for it to remain strong throughout my pregnancy. The list could really go on and on. He is attempting to haunt me with guilt for not wanting to be pregnant, for not wanting another baby so fast and all I have to say to him this morning is to SHUT UP!

My God is a good God and if He had chosen, in a blink of an eye He could have stopped everything yesterday and allowed this cup to pass, but because He promises to never leave me or forsake me (Josh 1:5) the verse that ran through my head a million times in the emergency room) I am choosing to trust that He only allowed this trial to exist because He fully intends for it to bring Him great glory (Romans 8:18). Cade is the lucky one, he personally will never hear any of those lies because he was never exposed to the author of them. He will never have to fight the fight this life requires for victory, he arrived there before the battle even began.

The Lord had already given me a life verse for Cade long before I was even pregnant and I wanted to share it with you in closing. Again, our family has many rough days ahead and I was so encouraged yesterday by a dear friend. She said that she had read that same day a commentary about Job and it said, (and I am paraphrasing, certainly not quoting), Job had two things in life nailed down that caused him the unusual reaction of praise after experiencing so much loss. He first knew his God was sovereign and secondly he knew that his God was good. Well, thank goodness I serve that same great and one and only God. My God is sovereign thus I know He was in control and how is that comforting? It is comforting because it is followed with the unshakable truth that my God is good. He promises that He is ALWAYS for us and never against us so even in the moments where that reality seems dim, His Word promises it is there! Pray for our family to have that unshakeable faith. Pray that we fight the author of lies to the point that he wishes he had never messed with this family and pray that Cade’s legacy will always be one of faith and hope. Hope and faith that we too will join him one day in the grandness of Heaven and that he will have our seats saved in our mansion to dine with him again!

I wanted to share one last thought (as I am sure you are not surprised, hahhahaha). To all the people I have spoken with, I want to thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart for the way you carried our burden yesterday (Gal 6:2). I spoke with friends who I know had shed tears all day for our family and please know that for every tear you shed, I truly believe it spared us one in exchange. I felt the peace that passes all understanding (Phil 4:7) that so many of you prayer warriors stood in the gap for me to experience. And your words, every single one of them spoken and unspoken comforted my soul like you will never know. I am so very thankful to have such an amazing support system that no words can express! Our little Cross was whisked away by loves ones and we never even had to think, he was just perfectly cared for during this hard time and that in itself was priceless.

Ok, finally………..
Joshua 5:14 Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked the Lord, “What message does my Lord have for his servant?”

This is how our family has attempted to live our life over these past few years and I pray that yours will as well. That our faces will hit the floor in full reverence of the mighty God that we serve, but that because of the blood of Jesus Christ we will share an intimacy with Him that will assure us that if we ask, our Father will be faithful to speak into our lives with a personal message for His servant. I pray that we will all seek any message the Lord has for His servants and most importantly that upon receiving that message, we will believe its truths and obey its commands.

In loving memory from broken hearts,
Mommy and Daddy


gracedgirl said...

oh girl, my heart breaks for you too! I love you and am praying for you and Jeremy. I'm so glad you are back, we need to get Cross and Caleb together for a playdate soon! CC

The Smittys said...

Oh Kelly and Jeremy. My heart just breaks for the experience you have had. I am just filled with tears reading your blog. We will continue to pray for your little family. Love you.


The Feicht Family said...

I can't help crying while reading your blog, but I know that if anyone can make it through this, you guys can. I will be praying for all of you. With love, Emily

Julie said...

Kelly-I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I check out your blog to find out what is going on in Bullock land every once in awhile. Your posts are so encouraging and your faith so bold and strong-it's inspiring. This post breaks my heart, because I have been there-we had a miscarriage almost a year ago. I asked all the "what if" questions, too...but finally realized that it was pointless. God brought me through that situation and provided in SO many ways-friends to watch Lily, bring us food, and pray over us. And days and weeks later, I am helping close friends deal with it, too...it seems (as I was not aware of before) that MANY women deal with miscarriage and it on;y further proved to me how miraculous our God is that He can string together all those chromosomes and DNA in His perfect way.
And if you cry for the next few days, weeks, months...it's normal:) I can honestly say I still think about that baby almost daily, but now the hurt is just a knowing, not a feeling (if that makes sense.) We know God has plans for us and in His timing, we hope to have more babies.
We'll be praying for you!
Julie Howard
listen to the song, "Glory, Baby" ...I can't think of who it is by, but it is about miscarriage and helped me through some grieving moments.