Sunday, January 4, 2009

The pursuit of peace...........

Hello all, it is difficult for me to blog because I am somehow afraid that me posting again will take the place of my last blog which will forever be my dearest so please go back and read it if you haven't already. I may just write this each time for a while if you don't mind. :)

I wanted to write everyone and give you a little summary of my week. Yes, I know, my posts and little aren't usually in the same sentence and probably won't start today, but I will do my very best, promise. Sometimes that Holy Spirit is just LONG WINDED! hahhaha Basically, in a nut shell, I have been a crazy woman. Monday and Tuesday I knew it was just part of it, but Wednesday morning I woke up and thought, certainly subconsciously because I'm not even smart enough to think of this, but I have got to get some peace, somehow, somewhere, and hopefully not by falling back to old habits of 12 packs (that is of beer and of cigs in case some of you didn't know the old me). So, I called a dear friend who is a Christian, but who is also a therapist and I told her up front, "I'm calling you as my therapist, not as my friend, and I want to tell you all that my crazy mind is thinking and I fully expect that after I have told you everything, that you tell me what to do to fix it." Sometimes we need an ear to listen and just let us get it all out, but I had been doing that for days with different amazing friends and I was still going insane. I had moved past the stage of guilt in grieving and I was in anger and I needed to get out of that stage fast before someone got hurt.

I do want to stop here and clarify that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, that I am certain of. I am just sharing my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE! That is one thing I have done right is not to compare of give myself any expectations so please don't dare hear me suggesting otherwise. I am just sharing my journey to wholeness that has really only just begun.

Ok, so my sweet girlfriend listened forever and man do I praise God for giving me this awesome friend, at the end she said, "It sounds like you need some time away from Cross so that you can grieve properly." Well, amen to that sister. I think I knew that in the back of my head, but I was fighting thoughts of guilt for leaving him more and I don't have a personal babysitter on call 24/7 (you seem surprised, hahahaha) so I just needed someone to nudge me into my pursuit of peace.

A pursuit of peace for me is when things just feel off. This can be after a great tragedy or it can be the most normal week of your life. I have another girlfriend who calls it the flow. Like when things just aren't flowing, you got to get with your Jesus and go on the pursuit of peace to get the bottom of the problem. Sometimes you need to rearrange your schedule, sometimes it is a sin that is buried behind the to-do list that needs to be worked out, sometimes girlfriend time will do, other times it can be major like mine was this week and call for something a little more drastic. I guess, whatever size of chaos you are feeling is directly in proportion to how much Jesus you need to fix it. I hope that is a theologically sound statement, but that is exactly what I experienced this week. A good quiet time for an hour or a coffee date with a girlfriend just wasn't going to cut it, I needed for my Jesus to hold me in His arms, literally for days.

So that my sweet friends has been what has been happening for the last now 24 hours. I am at a bed and breakfast which the Lord provided every detail for thanks to some godly people who went insanely out of their way to bless me. I am learning that once you get on the pursuit of peace, God opens the doors for you to find it. I was so scared to get away, to be vulnerable, to be without my man, but I knew my Jealous God was calling me to simply come and sit with Him awhile. The year before I was married, this was how I lived. I went to work and then came home and spent hours upon hours with Jesus in His Word. That may sound boring to you, but it was absolutely life changing to me. At that point in my life, I had actually never even felt peace so it took a HEAVY pursuit to get rid of many years of junk so that the peace that passes all understanding could begin to surface. Well, again, a time in my life where the pain was so strong that I had no idea how on earth to even begin to come up for air has taken a get away that stripped me of distractions and placed me in the resting Savior's arms.

Again, I am certainly not saying "this is the godly, correct way to grieve" this is just what the Lord has called me to do for today and it is only by HIS grace that I actually made it to obedience. But I will say that the pursuit of a loving, comforting Father is ALWAYS the answer in whatever situation you find yourself. Whether major or minor things in life are getting to you, are you on the pursuit of peace? Are you making sure there is a flow in life? The only way you can know if it is there is if you have felt it before. Like if you have lived even a week in that flow, you will certainly know when it is gone. When the kids are not a joy anymore, when your husband is getting on your last nerve, when God is nowhere to be found or heard, when your days seem nowhere near a light burden and an easy yoke, (Matt 11:30), if this is you, then please, please, go on the pursuit of peace. Be willing to be radical if He asks for a weekend, take it. Be willing to do your part to get to the Savior because He promises to do His. It may mean nothing more than falling face first on your floor and just crying out for His mercy. It may mean rearranging a schedule that just "isn't working for you" and doing the work to reestablish order in your home. It may mean closets cleaned out, both literally and spiritually. I don't know what that pursuit looks like for you, but if there has ever been a time in my life I am thankful to know the One who does it is most certainly now!!!!!!!!

I love you guys to death and each of you who have prayed for me this week have paved the way for my pursuit of peace. I was going to wait to post after my weekend was over to share with you all my cool God moments, but already, there is not room enough on this World Wide Web for what He has done with this weary, broken, heart. I know there will still be tears and still be moments, but finally, for the first time, maybe even in months, I have HOPE and that my sweet friends is absolutely priceless!

I will leave you with one, very cool God moment, that happened as I was doing my Beth Moore last night. Have I told you lately that you MUST do Esther?? Ok, well, she went on and on about how Esther fasted for three days and how that "three days" had many important references in the Word, like Jesus rising from the dead after three days and then Abraham and Daniel having miracles after the 3rd day. Well, guess how long I am going to be here, YEP, you guessed it, three days. :) If that doesn't give you chills, you just may need to check your pulse. I will close with my weekend scripture and a thank you again for your many prayers! I love you and praise God for you more than you will ever know!

Hosea 6:2 After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. *It most certainly doesn't get any better than that!

Healing, slowly but surely,

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