Thursday, March 31, 2011

Good Morning Blog World.............

I am writing to you from my favorite spot and time on earth, the early morning a.m. all curled up on my comfy couch. I really have nothing of any major importance to say but I have a few more moments of silence before the day begins and since I can finally (to some degree at least) pick what I want to do with it instead of what I "have" to do with it, well I most certainly pick you. Life is for sure becoming a bit more normal around here. Please know I am still adjusting my definition of normal so if I get on tomorrow a.m. and cry my eye balls out, please have grace for me, I am just adjusting, slowly but surely. From 1 to be honest, I didn't really give this step a whole lot of thought. For the most part my goals have been revolving around getting Mercy here for so long that what-on-earth life would look like past that was just too obscure to plan. We are coming to the end of our third week home and I think all in all, God is doing a great miracle because I am not sitting in the floor sobbing all day. (Again, if you are reading and you are doing that just know I have been there too.) My Cross man IS potty trained, praise be to Jesus! God is helping me overcome my anger and I am seeing my little strong willed tot love on his sister more and more everyday. They are attached at the hip already that is for certain and it blows my mind to think that God had all of this ordained and I tried to fight it.

I think, however, that I am still trying to get in the groove of this whole mommy thing and it is happening very slowly. I mean come on, almost 3.5 years in and you would THINK I would have gotten a bit more adjusted by now. I don't know how to explain all of my stay-at-home mom emotions. I KNOW it is an honor and a blessing and I think because I know that I fight mounds of guilt when I struggle with it. Another part of me knows that I grew up in a single parent home where my mother always worked so I don't have a lot to draw from. It is like I am a woman, who has always wanted kiddos, and yet I have no clue what on earth to do with them. I didn't have any younger siblings and the little girl that I baby sat during my high school years I now know just didn't count in experience per say because she was literally a complete and utter angel. I do have a nephew whom I L O V E dearly but I am/was only around him once every few months so I really have had the ultimate shock of my life.

The one thing (really there were many) the Lord did so graciously allow was a mentor in North Carolina that had herself a wild, all boy, strong willed little man and I thought he was the cutest fella on the planet. Cross at the time wasn't even walking and I literally think I said something as crazy as "I sure hope Cross is all boy just like that one day". I don't even know what to say to that statement today. Praise Jesus God gave me his wonderful godly mama to turn to, even to this day I call her asking what on earth do I do. Here are a few examples of my mentionings, it takes every amount of will power that poor child has to take a bath without soaking and I mean soaking my (sometimes clean) bathroom. He knows one speed, full. He wakes up ready to rock and roll and we have been going to bed in a big boy bed for well over 400+ nights and he STILL gets out of bed, I would say 9 or 10 out of 10 nights. He is that kid that you see running through a hallway followed my a frazzled mom and you think to yourself, lady, you need to learn how to control your kid. Mercy girl on the other hand, she got out of bed once, got in trouble, now she barely sits up in the bed. If she splashed in the tub with her fullest of force, a drop would probably never even hit the floor. She "jumps" when she gets excited. Her feet barely get off the ground. And often times, she and I literally just look at each other when Cross is doing extreme boy and we almost shrug our shoulders after our eyes refocus from bulging out and we silently agree, he is crazy.

Boys are just another breed and I WANTED one first and I guess honestly it has helped. Heaven forbid if I had Mercy first and then Cross, it would be a much greater shock that I will say. I know Mercy is NOT perfect, she is a sinner, she is just a quieter, calmer one. I really DO want my boy to be all boy, but not always at the expense of my aching flesh. I wanna know when to let him romp and when to teach him self control and have him sit. I want him to sprint after Jesus but some days my goal is simply to make it until bedtime. The other redeeming fact about this now very sad sounding blog post is that I love that little man more than life itself. He can be tearing through the house and I do mean literally and I could squeeze those now Thomas the Tank Engine butt cheeks right off his non-existent rear. I pray that at the end of my life, he will be one of my "well dones". I pray that I always (or ever really) embrace their radical differences because there really could not be any greater, two extreme opposites on the earth.

She sleeps right side up, on her back, under the covers. He sleeps wrong side up, on his tummy, hates the covers, to this DAY I still have to go cover him up at night so he is not numb by morning. She pets the dog, ever so gently, he squeezes the living day lights out of the dog if she is ever unlucky enough to get caught. She rubs your arm, he hits it. He does laps around the car even though we have told him 1,000 times "go straight to your door", she stays right by my side. He doesn't like chocolate fudge rounds, she knows they are Heaven. He chugs his milk, she sips, he wakes ready to conquer the world, she wakes and it takes a princess a minute to get movin. It really is kind of the cutest thing ever if you are not the one doing the chasing. She is chocolate and he is vanilla in about 101 different ways but I really do love them both. He has been the wreck of my "perfect little life", but I know deep down just how bad it needed a wreckin. She is my blessing for obedience and he is my test of time. But at the end of the day, there is neither of the one that I can get enough kisses from to satisfy this mama's heart. I am SO thankful for Beth Moore's messages about her two opposite children and the privilege to watch them from afar now both follow Jesus. You have no idea the encouragement that brings to this tired mother's heart.

With that said, the time is drawing near, I must depart and embrace this calling I have upon my life and do it with great vigor and determination. Cross actually goes to school today so 2 sweet teachers will get the honor and privilege of raising him and this little mama is going to TAKE HER BREAK! I love you all dearly!


1 comment:

Emily said...

Um....AMEN AMEN AMEN??? Geesh, Lillie is the girl Cross and Titus is somewhat the boy Mercy...although this 2 year old streak has made him a bit more vibrant. I am also that mom that people see chasing the frazzled kid and are thinking, geesh, get control lady. We are going to make it Momma and by the grace of God we will get some WELL DONES!!!!! And! They are mighty warriors for our Amazing Jesus Christ!!!!!!!