Sunday, January 13, 2008

Carried to the table.............

Ok, I had an amazing thing happen yesterday morning and I can't type fast enough to share this with everyone and anyone willing to read! First, let me give you a little bit of background on what is going on in my life just so you will understand my heart during this experience. Back in the "good ol' days" (yeah right) my college roomies and I loved the Lord, but for some of us His plans and our plans didn't really match up so we stuck with ours'. Just for the record, before we go any further, my sins made theirs look like minor hiccups, but we weren't following the Lord all the same. Well, years passed and my sweet roommate Shawnna (by far the purest of us all) became the mother of 3 beautiful angels and at the same time we both found the one true love of our life, Jesus. She and I reconnected and instantly had a deeper bond because we were now, not just friends, but sisters in Christ. The only difference is where our lives have taken us since those years in college. See my biggest "worry" in life right now includes moving to the beach with my beautiful family and my loving husband and possibly not knowing exactly how things are going to work financially. Whew, rough life for someone who has out sinned the mob. Well, my sweet friend Shawnna has been dealt a different set of cards. This sweet mother has just finalized a divorce with her college sweetheart and father of her precious babies and a week later found out that she has breast cancer. Now that is NOT FAIR. I don't care how you look at things or which angle you take or how you justify life, that is just not fair. After all of my horrible relational choices and the abuse I put my body through for years I should be the one with this set of cards. I should be the one facing a divorce and cancer at the young age of 30, but no, the biggest physical concern I have right now is to fit back into my pre-maternity jeans. Well, since Shawnna told me the heart wrenching news that her biopsy had in fact come back positive my quiet times with the Lord have been short at best and nonexistent as the norm. To be honest, I haven't even known where to start with Him. It just is not fair and I'll say one other thing, it is hard when you are on the "unfair" side of life as the one who is having to live out the pain, but it is humbling to be living out the "unfair" part of life on the side of blessings. I don't deserve one single thing I have in life any more than my friend deserves the trials she is living through every single minute. At the end of the day, I am mad at God because of what is happening in Shawnna's life. It is difficult to sit down and read His Word and trust Him with my life when if I believe He is in control AND He is good then why on earth would He have allowed this to happen? See God can't be the God of the universe and trustworthy and all powerful, but not be able to change this situation. That is where, for most of us, theology and the heart collide. Why would a good God allow this to happen? Why would a God with ultimate authority and power allow children to starve in Africa, but I don't see those children everyday, I am shaken to my core because this is my friend whom I know and love. Funny enough, Shawnna is praising Jesus for the amazing opportunities to minister to co-workers, friends and family about the love of Christ. He is showing her tons of love and support through an abundance of outpouring and blessings from others. That is her focus, but me, I'm still stuck on WHY??? So, yesterday morning I woke up on my own, no crying baby, no alarm clock and I felt the Lord nudging me to come into our office and spend time with Him. Almost like a prince had woken me from my sleep and secretly urged me to come be alone with Him. On this particular day I was actually going to see Shawnna to do whatever I could to love on her and have a "girl's day" before her next round of chemo. So I sat down to have my quiet time because that is what good Christians do and God did an amazing thing in my heart. I was carried to the table. I didn't exactly know how to explain what happened, but then I listened to a song by one of our favorite bands, and it hit me, that was it, God ushered me into His presence, not to explain all of the details of what He was doing through Shawnna's life, but to bring me personally to peace. He didn't give me a theological discussion about His sovereignty nor a guilt trip for the questions I had, He just showered me with love and gave me grace to handle my fits, my questions and my doubt. He showed me that my separation from Him these past few weeks comes from a heart that has needed to cry out "why" but is trying to be "reverent". Does God's greatness require reverence, you bet, but can His greatness handle my "why", absolutely. See I know all of the Sunday school answers, but this one just hit too close to home for those to work. I just needed to lie in His presence and heal, but I had no idea how to get there, this time I couldn't run, I had to be carried! So I have a question for all readers, do you need to be carried to the table? I wish I could tell you just how to make that happen, but God knew that was what I needed, I had no clue. The best guess I have is that if you feel like I felt, if you have unanswered questions, "whys" that you don't understand or a reservation to meet with your Savior because you just don't get this thing called life, just ask to be carried. I honestly think our willingness to say "I can't get there on my own" would make Him incredibly proud! So to make for the longest blog in history I have attached the lyrics to this song. Leeland is the band and I am thinking there is a way to link it so you could listen, but I can't figure it out so please read and by all means BUY THE SONG, it alone will get the process in motion!

You carried me my God, you carried me!

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

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