Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sooner rather than later...............

Wow, I am back on and although in reality it may take me a week to finish this post, I am going to go ahead and give it a shot! life............well, to be honest, for certain a mess, for certain a season of searching, and for finally, I think some major break throughs have appeared. Let me start this post with saying that although I know my tendency is always to shoot for perfection WHICH on this side of Heaven is absolutely impossible, recently I am just trying to shoot for peace. I think that is 1/2 of the revelation in itself. Also, hear me say that although I feel like I am on the verge of this break through, I feel like a jillion ounces (well gallons really) of prayers are needed for me to actually take this head knowledge all the way to my heart and have it lived out in my everyday life. So please know, not one prayer on me will be wasted. I feel selfish even asking or saying that but hey, I'm desperate here so I am humbling and asking all the same.

Let's start with my reality: For the past several years I can say with all honesty that Jeremy and I really have been attempting to follow Jesus with all of our hearts. We have tried to obey completely, without doubts, fears, or even delays. And let me share the other portion of that life, I have assumed all along that because we did that, we would be prospering and rolling in blessings by now. I'm just being honest here, probably wouldn't have said that out loud, but that was in my heart for certain.

Also, let me say that I know in reality, a marriage that really loves and a baby boy that is as healthy as a mule ARE total blessings, but at the same time in my present reality I cannot totally ignore losing a baby this year, not having a stable income that met even our most basic bills for 3 years now AND the ache in my heart to bring baby Chapel into this world and knowing that my husband will not even discuss the possibility until financial security is in place. NOT counting the fact that one of my life long desires has been to be a mommy yet over these past 2 years I feel like I have been drug to a new land and I am not yet flourishing! Most days feel like survival way more than thriving.

So.............with all that, here is where my battle comes in:
Head Knowledge: Kelly, those things that you are looking towards AREN'T going to make you happy!
Reality: Well, then when the heck am I ever going to be happy?
Big wake up call to say the least! Paired with the horrible reality that I have never ever wanted to be Susie Unhappy Christian that most certainly turns others away from CHRIST yet that is exactly what I am. SO, what is a girl to do?

Well, let me tell you what God has given me the grace to do, cling to Him, not turn to sin, while He took the time to show me how to figure it all out!

So, the conclusion, the break through is this...........IDOLS, I have em, big ones! And contentment, I have none or at least very little! One of my idols is a house, one is a job with 2.5 kids and a cute little yorkie dog, oh, and did I mention a fenced in back yard and a world wide ministry, a little girl with red hair, a little boy who doesn't throw fits in the Wal-Mart parking lot, geeeeze, didn't even realize just how bad it was until I started making this list. All "good" things just for the record but NO DIFFERENT just regarding the peace. Also, my lack of contentment, if I keep thinking right around the corner, right around the corner life is going to get good, well guess what, it's NOT!

That's where the kicker is, right around the corner is the same Jesus, the same personal relationship He desires, the same peace He wishes to give, and the same focus I am supposed to have! HOWEVER, if I choose to ignore it right around the corner it will do me no more good than it is doing me this very day!

And the worst stinkin part of all of this is I KNOW THIS INFO! I know Paul's verses. I know, know, know, I just don't feel, feel, feel!

So for me, an attack on idols and contentment is at hand. I really would like to live more days in victory with my sweet Jesus than snuggled up with the devil in a stupid ol pity party! So, obviously pray for me! Pray that my life will not be ruled by circumstantial happiness, but by a true and authentic love for my Jesus and a desire to do His will and serve His people!

Signing off, sorry for the book, love you guys lots!

1 comment:

Peri Pinto said...

Hang in there, Kelly! I'll be praying for you lots. Just know that you are not alone in your desires and in your struggle! Wish there were more I could do, but I hope you'll feel the love I'm sending and the prayers I'm praying for my dear friend and sister in Christ! Love you and miss you!!!