Confessions of a mad toddler mom.................

ok, so this has not been the greatest week of my life. I had to share a little to hopefully encourage everyone out there that this life is hard and that God's grace is really good and really big. Before we begin, an update on Shawnna, she is HOME! THANK YOU JESUS! She starts her regular rotation of chemo this Thursday. Thank you guys so much for your prayers and keep em' up, the battle has just begun!

1. The "mad" in the title is mad mostly as in crazy, but for sure sometimes mad as in ugly, yucky, anger! Without Jesus I don't know how anyone raises a child, no clue!

2. It is a HUGE adjustment going from the working world to the mommy world. I am still adjusting daily. I was good at work and I feel very inadequate at parenting. The Lord is showing me that this new adventure will only cause me to lean into Him more which is always a win even though it rarely feels like it at first. Secondly, the Lord is showing me that I should put all of the gifts and talents that I used in the work place into my home. Thirdly, I wasn't a good worker when I started. I just had a kick butt mentor at the bank who taught me how to rock and roll in the business world and God has and will provide those mentors in the mommy world as well and I WILL get better at this!

3. Cross brings out all the bad in me and that is a good thing. Otherwise it would be in there and never be exposed! God is in the light shining business and I am seeing more and more junk that needed magnifying!

4. Every mom I meet has been so open and honest about these struggles. I have been blessed that not one mommy has said, "Oh, I love being a mommy all the time and I am naturally great at it!" Thank goodness! That would make me feel very defeated for sure!

5. God's grace will cover even my most horrific moments as a mom! He forgives me quickly when I say or think things I would DIE if I heard someone else say or think! He will meet Cross' needs when I fail him greatly. He will make up for all my mistakes one way or another and that I can trust because I most certainly cannot trust me!

6. The perfect world doesn't exist! Parents get cancer and have to let "someone else" raise their kids for a season. Sometimes we watch too much tv or eat Popsicles BEFORE dinner just so mommy can get the meal cooked before the breakdown breaks everyone down. Plans change, life happens and if I don't learn how to roll with the punches I am going to be in for a long hard life of frustration!

7. God does this thing to us called "mother's instinct" that overrides any and all reasoning in regards to having children and in keeping them as well! I am overwhelmed yet excited about another baby. I think I am for sure going to give Cross away and take my old life back and then he learns how to "moooooooo and bark" and I am in love all over again! It really is a psychological blessing we are given to populate the earth!

8. I wasn't as thankful as I should have been during my pre-kid life (which is long gone, never to return; hopefully and sadly all at the same time). Now I look at moms who are waiting for a baby and I want to scream..................ENJOY! I know that sounds terrible to say, but I have promised not to pretend here even if it is not warm and fuzzy! I would kill to come home from work and sit my booty on the couch and not move until it was time to go to bed. I know it is the whole "grass is greener" thing. My mom told me one day recently "well honey, at least you don't have to go to work". I told her I would kill to go to work some days (even though when I was working I totally longed to be home with kids). Life is all about embracing each season and I am working on embracing mine!!!!!!!!

9. Cross ALWAYS has a rash of some sort! I just needed to share that. As a mommy, I thought there was a formula for any and all ailments and that if I could just keep the formulas going we would be all right! Well...........I should attach a picture of his bug bites that are the size of North Carolina and his miscellaneous bug bites and scratches on his legs. Last night I am not joking.........I used...triple antibiotic, hydrocortizone, hemp lotion, and nose spray before we put on our pjs. That has to be annoying for all involved!

10. I am beyond thankful for this blessing of motherhood at the end of the day! I, selfishly, am just drawn to things that I feel good at, that come easy, that I can accomplish quickly. Raising children fall in none of those categories, but God seems to think that I am up for the challenge. I know one day when I watch Cross rock this world for Jesus, when he gets dunked into a pool of water and is baptized, when I see full evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside of him, then all of this will be worth it! But for today, I was able to rescue Cross when he landed on the floor and bonked his head, I was able to make sure he had some healthy stuff go into his body to help it form and grow and because God is gracious and His mercies are new every afternoon, we will for sure go down for a NAP!

Love you guys to death and thank you so much for enduring the confessions!
K

Ok, prayers, lots of prayers

Here is our morning update! I went away to spend the night with a precious friend last night and arrived at the hospital this a.m. ready to hear a great report and get a release time.......instead........I have a friend in a TON of pain! Where they did the blood marrow test there is a MAJOR problem. When I got here yesterday she was screaming with muscle spasms, but the pain meds started working and we just got on a strict every four hour regiment and thought she was in the clear. I guess her body caught on to the trick and last night was absolutely miserable! She FINALLY has a pain pump so we are praying that is going to work. Here is what we need to happen. We need the meds to work well enough so she can begin to get up and walk which will help with the spasm and with the pneumonia. Ok........hit it prayer warriors! Love you lots!!!! It hurts to see such a young, sweet girl in so much pain!!!!!!!
K

Courage!

I am sitting in Shawnna's hospital room. This angel is one of the first things you notice as you walk in the door. Her precious mother bought this for her and my eyes have been drawn to it the entire time I have been here! I am going to attempt to put into words how accurately this symbolizes her mood. As you know, her cancer is back. After all of the tests, it is in her liver and her bone marrow. You would think that news would strip away all of her spirit, all of her joy, all of her hope and all of her peace. Instead, she keeps saying, "every time I picture my future it is just bright and full of sunshine." You probably are having the same reaction I had, wow, sunshine, really, ok..........I talked to a friend of ours on the phone today and God gave me the perfect words to describe our sweet friend's peace. I told her, "I am witnessing the awesomeness of someone who has a relationship, not a religion." So, how is Shawnna doing, well honestly better than most of us! She knows her Jesus, she knows His healing power, His promises to her, and His faithfulness past, present and FUTURE! Here is the question I am asking myself, do I? Do I know my Jesus so well, so intimately, so relationally that I can have perfect peace in any and all circumstances? How bout you? Are you this close to your Savior or most days would you have to admit a religion instead? I am seeing the grace that touches a life when it is the total opposite and it is so attractive that I want to do everything in my power to have that same friendship that Scripture promises is no respecter of person! I love you guys, I can't thank you enough for your prayers! Keep it up, needless to say, they are working!

The happiest friend in the whole wide world!
K

Words too hard to say or type....................

I never dreamed these words would ever come out of my mouth or have to endure the key strokes it is taking to type them, but I must tell you all to start the prayer warring! SHAWNNA'S CANCER IS BACK! There I said it, it took everything in me to get the words out of my mouth last night to my small group without crumbling into a million pieces! By God's grace I have managed to be super strong with her over the phone and then breaking down once I hit end. I guess if she reads this post, my secret is out! For prayer warriors, this is literally all I know as of now, that it has moved into her liver and she is supposed to start chemo again this morning. There have been some other complications over the weekend with her body not responding to the like 5 pints of blood they have given her, but as of now I don't know any test results from that particular complication. All I really know is that we must pray. Please remember she has 3 children, is a single mommy, and now can't work, so that gives you a little list to begin with!

I have to share with you something the Lord showed me yesterday as I am sure many of your chins are on the ground as well, asking what I have been asking all weekend, or honestly, too shocked to even put into words, "Why God why?" Well, yesterday in church God very gently reminded me of something that I never ever want to forget. I am going to type the words to the song below, but I am asking you to sing the words as a prayer, that YES we are asking for another miracle, but NO, we are not for one second allowing this to shake the implications of the words to this song! He has ALREADY paid it all and we are the only ones who stand on the end of owing!

Because of Him,
K

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, HE washed it white as snow! Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow!

Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead, oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead. Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead, oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shall we never forget that He has already paid the debt and raised Shawnna up from the dead! May we fall at the feet of Jesus in honor for this miracle He has done in every believer's life and let everything else just be icing on the cake!

Forgive me Jesus for doubting that you are good!

12 goods, 12 not so goods!

I have been thinking of random things I wanted to share with you guys and I thought a list format would be an appropriate way to share the odd things floating in this very odd brain!

12 goods!
1. Sweet Potato fries from the freezer section, with Ranch............enough said

2. Shepherding a Child's Heart! a/k/a Life Saver for Mommies (really for the kids)

3. Bible Study- The more I do it, the better I feel (and act), the less would fall into the next set for certain.

4. Red Box- $1 for a movie and for us, only a mile away! That is a date night this couple can afford to take!

5. For all of you out there trying to save cash! I need to share tips: Dove, yellow bottle, Shampoo and Conditioner, Mac-n-cheese and tuna for dinner (yes mixed, try it), and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and my personal fav, tomato sandwiches! It brings back very good childhood memories!

6. Seeing people get on fire for Jesus, that should be number one, it is totally priceless!

7. Looking back through scrapbooks and seeing the miracles God has done in your life already!

8. Taking good care of your home, making lunches and breakfastes (read that how it is spelled and it will be funny, not misspelled) and dinners! Yes, that order is somewhat correct! I feel so good when I have purchased enough groceries and all my ducks are in at least a somewhat straight row!

9. Going to church on Sunday and your pastor totally bringin it (even if it did step on your toes) and then wanting to yell "one more" when your worship team led music! This past week at Grace is a must see again! www.gcomchurch.com

10. Letting things go! I am becoming the queen of that. My OCD tendencies are topped by a higher instinct called practical! I wish Cross didn't walk around with cracker down the front of his shirt, but the screaming in the back seat that led to the cracker without a bib and the backed up loads of laundry by far trump an outfit change. Only poop or pee warrant that great necessity! Toys all through the house until bed time trumps the urge to kill your child when they dump the blocks out all over the floor AGAIN! I am learning quickly, life is too short!

11. Adult days, I am getting one today and you would think I was taking a cruise to Europe! I am really that excited! I may even stop and get a coffee or a giant Diet Dr. Pepper! p.s. this should probably fall under the not so goods, but I HAVE noticed that artificial sweeteners do make you hungry. When I am eating good and do water only I don't crave nearly like I do when I get my mid day Diet Drink! But for today I am willing to take the risk!

12. And finally, Beth Moore's video recaps of her events that are on her blogs. I call them my monthly cry fest! Seriously, watching all those women praising Jesus and knowing that they got a word from Him that weekend. It is almost more than I can handle!

12 Not so Goods!

1. Picturing yourself (after telling your son for the 100th time not to put a huge toy on the couch and ride it along the arms like a car) taking the toy and slamming it on the floor about 400 times until it is in a million pieces and then asking "NOW do you get it, now do you understand, MOMMY SAID NO NO). Anger Management here I come!

2. Being so mad at your husband that you could spit one minute and then being so very sad when he leaves you all alone to take care of this crazy child the next!

3. Pride- so ugly, so dark, so sneaky!

4. A rainy day when you have just mopped the floors and a dog! :( Little Snicker Doodle is back and she better be glad that I am 110% in love with her because those little paw prints are making me crazy!

5. There being a whole in the bottom or your poop picking up bag. Again Snick, you better be thankful mommy has already fallen head over heals and missed you like crazy!

6. Being so hungry that I could eat my arm at 6:00 and J not getting home until 6:15. I have blood sugar issues and that 15 minutes sometimes just doesn't bring out the best in me!

7. Cross screaming out in the middle of the night like a mad man, makes it very difficult to go back to sleep!

8. Watching friends suffer!

9. Watching movies (specifically Taken) and knowing that things like that really do go on and then turning off the movie and going back to "normal" life. It just kills my soul! We must throw away our silly cares and change this world for Jesus, we must!

10. Hearing about some stupid divorce and some lady wanting 99 million dollars to keep up her 50 something thousand dollar a WEEK spending habit and knowing that people all around the world need WATER! I can't help it! It drives me absolutely crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I know I could cut some corners too and give more so don't think I am picking on this one situation, I just am a dreamer and I can see countries being saved but I will be faithful with my budget to make sure at least lives are being changed I promise, you just have to let me vent!

11. Getting your itunes totally wiped out and hearing the Lord say to you, "Kelly, I think those songs were meant to praise me and personally, I think they are becoming songs instead so let's start a new season of actual PRAISE!" CONVICTING!

12. Not loving people that you should simply because they are human!!!! YUCK!

I want to invite everyone I know.....................

The older i get, the more I notice funny things about my personality. Sometimes they are extremely annoying and others are just weird quirks that are neither good nor bad. One that stems back from childhood, a trait that God meant for His glory and satan stole for a season for his harm, is the fact that I NEVER want to miss a party and not only that, I never want anyone else to miss it either. I love a good party, I love something fun to look forward to during the mundane of life. Well............a party is coming to Nashville, and I for one have no plans to miss it! The other night as I was trying to go to sleep I told Jesus and Jeremy, "I want to invite every single person I know to this". Well, that is the fun thing about a blog community, I CAN! So here is the deal, mark your calendars because there is going to be a Jesus party like none other in August, the dates are Aug 20th-22nd (a three day party, how much better can it get). The party host for the evening will be none other than Joyce Meyer herself and then as a special guess rocking it out for worship (my favorite part of a good party, THE BAND) Matt Redman, yes you heard me correctly, MATT REDMAN! Ok, my blood pressure is going up just thinking about it! While lying in bed, thinking of how I could orchestrate everyone I know coming, I asked the Lord, Lord do I chase emotional experiences, do I chase a party, a high and He spoke something into my heart that I will never ever forget, He said, "No baby, you chase ME!" See, if you haven't been to an event like this, His presence will be so thick you can feel it from the moment you walk into the door. His passion will fill the place until there is not a dry eye in the room. His Holy Spirit will speak to people, His grace will cover people, and His anointing will overwhelm people. Now THAT is something I will be glad to be guilty of chasing always! So here is my plan! If you are in (and if you aren't let me say I think you are crazy, but that is just my own personal opinion and since it is my blog that is totally allowed) this is the deal, email me and all Clarksville Crew can meet and caravan. Anyone who is outside of Clarksville and may just need a friend to sit with, we are here for that as well. Anyone too far to travel.........ask God if He gives you permission to hop on a plane and have the time of your life, and anyone who thinks I have lost my mind, try it, just this once. I think this is so cool, a new season of peer pressure and it is actually for the good! Ok, I love you guys to death, oh and sweet Jesus, I almost forgot the most exciting part, this party is absolutely FREE! Again, you heard me correctly, FREE! Man is God good! Ok, love you guys as I said before and please come, parties are always more fun when you know a lot of people!

Jesus rock our worlds, may your Spirit fall on that place like never before and may we be changed forever because of it!
K

my email is bullockfamily77@gmail.com
a link for the event: http://www.joycemeyer.org/ourministries/conferences/nashville09

You take what you get...............

And you don't throw a fit! I heard a sweet friend of mine's daughter sing this little jingle recently and I thought it was the cutest thing I had ever heard. She was referring to Spaghetti O's for lunch or something seemingly trivial at least, but man the truth behind that little song sings volumes to life on this side of Heaven. Speaking of Heaven, our small group is about to start a study on Heaven so I am certain a theme is a brewing, but today as I was driving.......pitching a full blown fit, I was as ready to hear those trumpets sound as I have ever been! The only thing holding me back was the desire for a sweet baby girl, but I knew that even that crazy blessing wouldn't hold a candle. I also reasoned that surely she would be there too, already created, who knows how all that works. Ok, where was I, so today, or at least tomorrow, my goal is going to be, you take what you get and you don't throw a fit. Some of us are waiting on God. Some of us are raising children with severe birth defects. Some of us are called to remote villages in Africa to spread the Gospel, some of us are too busy, some of us are too bored. Some are too lonely, some are too stretched, some are too weak and some are too strong (for their own good at least). We all have some kind of junk in life that we are dealing with, that I am certain. The greatest blessing in having the opportunity to minister and to counsel with people is the reminder that NO ONE, NOT even one single person, has it easy! Sure sometimes on the outside it may appear as such, but trust me, none of us have a cake walk because none of us are in Heaven! Earth sucks............sorry BB I know that is a bad word, but it does on all accounts! Jesus is it, His presence is everything, His grace is the only way we can even breath. So for the rest of this week, sing along with me, learn too from the 3 year old that was dealing with the let downs of life with gracious self control instead of a foot stomping fit!

You take what you get and you don't throw a fit!!!!!!!

O Jesus help me..........I have SUCH a long way to go!
K

You win some, you lose some..........

Good afternoon everyone! I just wanted to say a quick hello to you all! I keep meaning to tell you guys the coolest story. Several months back we got a card in the mail. It was anonymous and it stated that we had a credit for over $300.00 to Charter Communication. That is our local cable company that also supplies internet so we were thrilled beyond belief. Well, last month our excitement (and our credit) ran out so we called and canceled, thanked God for our blessing, and tried to move on without too much moaning and groaning. Well, this month I opened our cable bill that came in the mail and sure enough, someone had done it again, reinstated our internet and paid for two months in advance. This gift is such an awesome blessing (not counting the most fun surprise) and we are super thankful for whoever you are out there (if you are a blog reader). Some days when I get to veg out and surf blogs I feel like I could run up and give you a big kiss, or if you are a guy, it would most certainly be an appropriate side hug but I am so thankful all the same!

The Bullock crew is hanging in there! Some days are certainly better than others! I, in mommy land, am trying to transition Cross over to one nap a day. As always, I assumed he would fit in an equation and he didn't! Hence the post title, you win some, you lose some! I assume there is a step process for EVERYTHING in life and I am learning that is rare for child raising and Jesus following! Two important things in life that I am called to do and this math chick wished that a+b would always equal c and it just doesn't! Jeremy also did something to my computer that makes me miss type about every 10th word which causes a plethora of bad words to surface to the tippy, tip, tip of my tongue! I will be typing along and I will control, highlight, and delete half a paragraph for no apparent reason so if you are reading and know how to fix this it would greatly bless our marriage as I am still holding a grudge over his head for doing whatever the heck he did! As usual, it is most certainly his fault!

Other than that, this is just another day in the land of wait, the land of trust, the land of faith! I have come to the conclusion that you just win some and lose some! I have great days where Jeremiah 29:11 is as real of a promise as any one scripture can be and I have other days when I think, what on EARTH are we doing with our lives! I still look forward to the day when I can post at least another portion of the rest of the story, but for now, the Bullocks are called to serve right here in Clarksville, Tennessee and we are thankful for the wins and thankful for the grace to cover the losses! Pray we conquer one nap and at least have that groove in motion! I guess honestly my greatest prayer really should be that we don't sin during this difficult season and that we realize who the heck is sitting right beside us! (If you missed Chad's message at Grace today it is a must watch. www.gcomchurch.com). Love you guys to death and thanks again to the internet angel! You are most certainly appreciated!
K