If.................................

If you are like me and you...............

Look at your problems as huge,
Tend to feel like there is nothing much past today,
Feel like the One you are supposed to ask rarely listens,
Or feel like He always says no,
Or finally, feel like the things of this world will make you happy,

Study Revelation.

To make a long story short, a friend let me borrow Beth Moore's DVD series on Revelation. I don't have a book. I am just watching the videos during my quiet times. Today I am almost numb (I typed "dumb" at first and that is fitting as well) with His glory and goodness. I am so humbled by my doubt in His ability in my small problems. I am totally in awe of how not just His Word, but His World fits together like a perfect puzzle we often call life. I am so thankful that studying Him makes truth more prominent and lies more visible. And finally, I am down right jealous (in the most godly of ways) of all that Shawnna is experiencing this very day. I so wonder if she gets a daily tour or if she is just allowed to meander as she pleases. (I am only on Chapter 5 so if any of those statements are not theologically sound I will know in the next few weeks.) But man oh man is it fun to ponder. I feel lost right now with this earthly life and now more than ever do I realize that I am supposed to.

So if you, like me, need a fresh breath or a kick in the rear reality check, go study the God who is SEATED on the throne, go study the throne that moves as He moves, go study the sea of glass that has no tide because it has no moon, but most importantly, go study the slain Lamb who is worthy to open the seals! I assure you, life will seem a whole lot less chaotic and your dreams will move from earthly to Heavenly faster than you can say Amen!

Holy Holy Holy,
Is the Lord God Almighty,
Who was, and is, and is to come!
K

Hello All.....................................

I am heading out of town in a few short hours and couldn't help but to hop on and tell you a quick hello before I hit the road, well more specifically, the shower. I always desire, as you know, to be authentic with you so I felt there was no way I could avoid sharing the events of this week without feeling guilty of "posting the good" and conveniently ignoring the "not so good". This is by no means something I am ashamed of, just not a moment of "having it all together" which I think we all tend to avoid sharing, especially to the world wide web.

Ok, side note, Cross awoke after this upper paragraph so I am now writing from my unbelievably fancy hotel room in Memphis. Did I mention I am ALONE? Just making sure I am bragging on Jesus lots. Always do what the Holy Spirit tells you to do! That is the thought for today. I walked into this room and I heard the Lord say to my soul "and you didn't want to come". He is so fabulous. In case I am forgetting details here: I am in Memphis for a conference on Discipleship and the Lord told me about a month ago that He wanted some alone time with me while I was here and then provided the funds for a hotel. In the mean time life has been so insane that I was so tempted to back out, but He kept saying "to come" and man I am thrilled I obeyed.

Now, back to the not so good. This past week I had a major panic attack that honestly shook me to the core. I am sure I had a million of these during my very dysfunctional days, but I don't remember having one in years and it honestly came out of nowhere. I woke up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep and for an entire 18 hours my entire body shook. I felt like I was in a total daze, I was so anxious I couldn't even fathom the thought of being home alone with Cross. And to make matters worse I could not "get my head above water" no matter how much I prayed, listened to worship music, was prayed over, you get the point. I felt crazy, my amazing husband was polite but I know had no clue how to help me. BUT here is the cool part, God sent the perfect person to the rescue. He never promises that we will avoid all the trails of this life, but He most certainly promises never to leave us or forsake us. A dear friend that I had text asking to pray came straight over and straight to the rescue. She explained to me that panic attacks are subconscious stress that is often ignored, spilling out with physical symptoms. I thought I would look up a good web definition for you guys and some causes, but the lists are really too long. It was just nice to read some things that hit the nails on the heads. One thing that I read and loved (because it made me feel less crazy) was "Significant personal loss, life transitions, significant life change" or can we say lack of stability. Another thing said "fear they are having a nervous breakdown" ding ding ding. I promise I thought I was about to go over the edge.

So here is what I am learning. No matter how much we trust God or claim to trust God, our body will always tell on our real emotional state no matter how much we try to hide it, even from ourselves. And two, God knew this would happen and He too knew the solution. After a 3 hour car drive today alone with Israel Houghton's CD which contains some of the greatest praise music on earth, I felt worlds better. Truth trumps lies, but must be spoken and reminded over and over and over.

I love my Jesus. I am so thankful He ordained this get-a-way and I want so badly to open my heart and soul up for the surgery it needs to avoid any other "hidden emotions" that will demand there way out regardless of my "I've got it all together" smile. I know I am broken, I just don't know how to even begin to rework, but I know the One who does.

Since I could type forever with no interruptions, I will close now and say that I am so thankful for you! I am so thankful that I can safely share my life. I am so thankful you read my crazy journey. I am so thankful that you pray for me. And please know that Jesus is your answer, regardless of what your ailment may be!

K

*Did I mention I have HGTV! I am like a kid in a candy shop!!!!!!!!!

So Long Insecurity....................

Hey gang, yes, I have already started another book and if you don't LOVE reading like I do, don't dare ever be tempted to think that I am "super spiritual" reading woman. Maybe look at it a little more like my favorite pass time and my greatest need just happen to merge. I will say this, if reading is not your favorite pass time, you have got to find a way to get this good stuff into your psyche one way or the other. I am only a few chapters into this book and I am sitting with my chin on the ground in great awe of the wisdom I could have potentially gone my entire life without knowing. It alarms me to think about how wounded we walk around and about how satan will let something as stupid as us "not loving to read" interfere with huge breakthroughs. It is as dumb as saying "I don't like the way healthy foods taste". So you will die early instead of sucking it up and just not asking yourself how you "feel"? Ok, that was a bit of a soap box, I am refocused.

As I began reading this book, I have been so thrilled at moments when it has occurred to me that God has already worked on mounds and mounds of my own insecurity issues, but no worries, I am certain all the same that I have a million more to overcome. If you are reading this book along with the group on Beth Moore's Blog, I thought it would be fun to share some "eye openers" we have already noticed and maybe even started to overcome, but I am betting by the end of the book I will have another list that needs a fixin.

So, let's start with body image..........I have two words for you, well, kind of a word and a half, post-pregnancy. That right there did more to shoot holes all through my body image than any chapter in any book could have shot. I, once a decently active, somewhat in shape, young woman had to look down and find that NOTHING was where it was supposed to be. At that moment I had a decision to make, would I turn to dysfunctional or would I face the problem head on. Would I work out with wisdom or with obsession? Would I go spend a fortune trying to "make" myself look good or would I live within my budget and do the best with what I had at the moment. You get the point.

Another glorious thing that has caused me to let a million unhealthy insecurities go has been this recent Bullock Budget Crisis, combined with a heavy dosage of Dave Ramsey. You see, again, I have been faced with a choice, would I spend unwisely to keep up with the Jones or would I live within my means, no matter how small those means were for the month and no matter how little those means would feed having just the right outfit, hair, shoes, or kids clothes. During this field trip to priorities I have made some marvelous discoveries that I pray and pray will come along with me when we once again step back into the world of "more". I've learned how stupid it is to spend money on things that "won't work" instead of giving to people and things that will. I have learned that THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH so why even go on the stickin pursuit. There is NOT enough money in this world to make you not want more. You think there is, you (and I) think we'd sure like to try, but trust me, there is not enough. If you have just the right house, you need just the right curtains and car to accessorize and then dog gone it, your cute little puppy will just come along and pee on the whole parade.

And finally, Cross, he may have been the icing on the "there is no use" cake. Spit up was the start. I could put that kid in the cutest outfit this side of the Mississippi and in 10 minutes, poop, pee, or spit up would ruin my parade and I could hear the Savior saying, "why Kelly, why does it matter". Then came the boy and dirt, puddles, nose unmentionables and the way he rubs his head on the back of that darn car seat until there isn't enough water and combs to contain it. NO USE. I am getting better and better about realizing that clothes are to be worn, conveniently, and no I don't want my husband to be embarrassed when we walk out the door, but there is no use trying to impress the world in the mean time.

I think my problem is like most of yours, these issues are hidden, they are deeply embedded, and in our-entirely appearance driven-society, almost always allowed to stay under the radar. I am so thankful for a God who made me deal with these issues without ever even dreaming to sign up for the class. I am thankful that He has brought this book into my lap with an author who doesn't remotely intend on allowing us to stay in bondage just because the lifting may be a bit heavy. I am thankful for a mother-in-law who bought this book for me as a Valentine's Day present. What a perfect gift for such an often times self focusing holiday! I love you guys! I have no intentions of letting you settle for less than the best either. Go buy this book and prepare for some not so easy reading, but let's grow closer to whole as we journey closer to Heaven. This present world will certainly thank us if we do!

Because of Him,

K

Consistency is key...........................

Good morning all! I am writing with eyes half open after day 2 of our "early morning arrival" thanks to the big boy bed's lack of caging abilities. In my great slumber this a.m. I kept hearing you guys remind me "consistency is key" as I carried him back to his bed screaming thinking "this is never going to work" and if you count 6:30 working, it did! I sure hope tomorrow morning we at least wait until the sun peeps through the curtains before we come barreling through the house. I know he takes after my schedule, early to bed and early to rise, but good gracious, I need early to be a bit later.

I also promise I didn't get online just to whine about Cross' wake time. I have something with a bit more depth running through my mind and it too relates to consistency being key so I thought this a.m. may be as good of a time as any to share. If my point is fuzzy we will blame it on a lack of sleep and if my point is profoundly brilliant we will blame that on the copyright capabilities of quoting other amazing authors.

As most of you guys know, Jeremy and I have been in a bit of a testing season of life, a season of waiting for the Lord to provide Jeremy with a job. All the while that detail has placed many other dreams pending in the air. I so wish I could tell you that I have tackled this season with all matter of faith and consistency, but nothing really could be further from the truth. I have ridden the ride of the pendulum swing more times than this-less than a thrill junky-would ever want to admit. I have memorized verses like Lamentation 3:26 "For it is good to wait quietly on the salvation of the Lord." And then often times in the same breath even I have whined and complained to countless friends about how "I just can't do this anymore". I have had moments where I just KNEW that our breakthrough was coming any day now and then I have been proven completely wrong a million times over. I have encouraged friends over the phone that our God is most faithful, most certain to provide, and then gotten off the phone and thought to myself "I sure hope so at least". It has more days than not looked like an out of control, screaming (and yes as you all know sometimes cussing) disaster. On good days, like yesterday, I keep my mind off of myself, focused on the gospel, and I rock on like a mighty warrior for Jesus. And then other days, like the day before yesterday, I feel like at any moment I am certain to have a nervous breakdown. I "throw-up" on poor unknowing friends who simply call to say hello. I take life out on Cross. I think you get the point.

BUT, the one thing that has not wavered this entire time has been God's great and glorious grace to provide for me just what I needed at the moment, for me not to go over the edge. My most recent and most cherished "God thing" has been a book that I hold so dear in my grip that honestly, outside of the Word, this book has breathed life into me like nothing I have ever read before. Or maybe it is just another example of how when God gives you EXACTLY what you need for a certain season of your life, that it truly is life. My most favorite part about this book is the fact that I got it as a special delivery from the Lord. Bare with me as I tell you the God story details because that just makes the blessing all the more glorious. I am a creature of habit. I usually only read books by authors I have loved in the past. I rarely (well never really outside of God's leading) buy a "random" book by a "random" author. Well, on my Dad's side of the family we drew names for Christmas. As only God could ordain, a dear sister-in-law of mine (who yes, loves Jesus) was asked to help out with my gift and sure enough, the Lord told her first hand what to buy. She gave me the dearest letter with all of the details, but I knew as I opened the first page that I had been hand delivered a love letter from the Lord in book form. I had never read anything by this author and I knew instantly that God was providing something I would have never purchased myself. Well, needless to say, 5 or 10 pages at a time, the Lord has used this book to give me just enough hope and encouragement to truck on. One day at a time. A theme that has been woven throughout the entire book is just as you expected, consistency is key. Do the right thing, one day at a time, especially during a great trial, and God WILL show up and deliver, in His time.

Well lately, after kind of "stepping back" and hearing the cries of other friends going through other trails, I am seeing more and more that for ALL of us, consistency really is key. Keep getting up, keep doing the right thing, keep doing the mundane things, keep doing the laundry, keep making dinners, keep spending within your budget, keep making a budget, keep tithing, keep eating healthy, keep attempting to avoid drama, keep having a daily quiet time, keep going to the grocery store, keep reading the book that is encouraging you, keeping going to church, keep joining small groups, keep sending out your resume, keep avoiding sin................and then ONE DAY your breakthrough will just appear, seemingly out of the clear blue sky. I have friends with testimonies and I have a million of my own of this principle coming to pass.

So this early weekend a.m., I leave you with this charge, consistency is key! One day I TOTALLY plan to give you guys a post with my breakthrough details. I am certain it will be a better story than I could ever dream up, but as for today, I am simply going to refer you to an amazing book that has given me great grace to truck on. Just in case even one of you is in great need of some encouragement of your own. I must also make this comment on the front end just so I am not tempted to write any ugly letters back if a rude commenter should arise. **Don't you dare bash my book or this author. The Holy Spirit prompted my sister-in-law to buy this for me and trust me, I have tested and GREATLY approved every morsel as life to a very sad sole.** I doubt that was necessary, but just in case I wanted to be clear on the front end. We are all (even myself) so quick to judge another pastor, Heaven forbid, especially one who smiles. We Christians often like to take this life as a horrible high road, so attractive to unbelievers I am sure. So don't hate on Joel, if you don't need encouraging, just don't buy the book, but if you do, soak it up! It is a glorious, refreshing, proclamation of hope, especially for one weary soldier being me!

So with all of that said, I love you all. For me personally, I am not seeing "no news as good news" but that is all I can offer today. Please keep praying for us as J sends his resume on this week. Please pray for me to have great "mommy" peace as dreams of a home and another baby are still without a certain "due date". Please thank God for me having the most awesome man who has been more faithful in this wait than any human could have been. He knows his Jesus and he knows who his Provider is and he knows that he has been placed with a mission this season and he rarely takes his eyes from those eternity changing goals. I could NOT be more proud!

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Your-Time-Activate-Increase/dp/143910011X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266068957&sr=1-1

Happy Reading!

K

Cowboy Boots and A Big Boy Bed...............

That title even sounds like a good country song! Here are some recent milestones we have met at the Bullock home. Our first set of boots came from BB. (Please notice the contrast between rock star hair and the boots. It's kind of like a party on the top and a barn dance on the bottom.) Also, a dear friend made Cross his VERY special big boy bed with custom cross in the headboard! Then Aunt Nina found the bedding and as always our sweet Nana footed the bill. I can't believe how much it breaks my heart and makes me smile from ear to ear all at once to see this transition. As many of you know I was a bit nervous about making him stay in the darn thing, but let me tell you, consistency is key. On the 5th "shepherding" on nap day 1, I kept thinking, "this is never going to work" and then a friend called and 5 minutes later I peaked in and SURE ENOUGH, it worked!!!!!!!!!!! At night he still sometimes manages to crawl down to the floor and fall asleep there, but that is just so darn cute. I'm not even positive he didn't take his whole nap today on the floor. I was too scared he would wake if I peaked so I just left him there! You guys have a great weekend and I promise more posts to come. I have several swirling, just a bit under the weather today so no clear brain cells are available for anything deeper than boots and bedding!

Love you all!

K

Oh, yes, one last thing. IF YOU READ MY BLOG AND YOU HAVE A BLOG........please, please send me your blog address. I lost several in a recent computer "clean up" and I know some of you out there are even "strangers". My reading material is getting to be slim pickins so SEND ME YOUR BLOG! Wew, that was a bit bossy! Sorry!

What we were born to be.................

So the Purity Ball was just what I expected..............priceless. On the younger night, when many of the girls have not been hurt by this hard world, they twirl, they smile from ear to ear when you tell them how pretty they look, they get super excited (instead of jealous) when another girl has their same dress, and they dance the night away with no reserve. It is one of the most beautiful things I have had the privilege of witnessing and it was just what I needed. Fresh water for the soul. I smiled for two hours straight both nights. Thank you so much for your prayers! The entire event came off with little less than a glitch. The only heart wrenching thing was that the event for the younger night was so full that we had to turn people away after the registration deadline. Packed is an understatement so we are praying God will give us a much bigger vision (and venue) for next year! Enjoy the pics and let's all twirl this week. Let's be the princesses we were born to be! Don't ever forget that as Christians we are children of the King of kings!!!!!!

K

The last pic is a group of us celebrating at Chili's on Saturday night when it was all cleaned up! This group carried me this past week and that is the understatment of the year!!!!!! Thank you guys! You are a very fine example of God's grace upon a gal!

Hear the Heart of Heaven Beating..................

Good Morning all! The Bullocks are back home and ever in awe of our great Savior! We witnessed many miracles yesterday. Little girls with the peace that passes all understanding, a father who once had a hardened heart towards God softening by the moment and a funeral that gave God every single ounce of glory! There were many saved there after the Gospel was laid out in probably as beautiful and simple way I have ever heard! All I can say is "to grace how great a debtor"! I love you all and I am so humbled by your prayers! Please add one more for the sake of specifics. Shawnna's father is having a very difficult time as is expected. We weren't meant to bury our babies and that was very obvious. Please pray with me that he turns to JESUS and JESUS ALONE! Nothing else will do, nothing else will help, and satan the punk of all punks is determined to put him under at all costs and under the most despicable of circumstances! NO, is what I say to that NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, by God's great grace tonight I am going to put on some sort of make-up and an outfit that resembles "dressy" and I am going to go to that Purity Ball and see every girl twirl in their dresses and I am going to bask in the glory of His presence! Pray It is there so that lives will be changed!

The redeemed will sing forever!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Saves!

K

Ok, for the life of me, I cannot get this song to link to my blog so in hopes of not getting in a bad mood I am just going to share the link of a performance on youtube and let you watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwZqhx8eSN4&feature=related

Traveling Tomorrow.......................

Hey gang, I feel like I have posted 100 times in 3 days, but I just have to ask for more prayers. I can't seem to fatham the trip without you! Jeremy and I are traveling tomorrow to Jackson for the visitation and then the funeral on Thursday. We will be staying with our friends in Memphis and taking Cross. This mom just can't bare to leave him after being gone last weekend and I think a sweet boy will bring some smiles and hopefully even get to see and entertain the girls. They like to mother him and I like to watch! I feel strong one minute and then like a crazy lady the next. I also must selfishly add and ask for prayers because the Purity Ball is this coming weekend. That is an event I have been working on for 4 months (or more) at Hope and OF ALL WEEKS!

God has been so faithful to give me amazing friends and the best boss ever who have jumped in and done everything last minute in case I can't make it all together which I know emotionally is a possibility. I am going into work tomorrow to nail down all the final details and my brain could not be more scattered. Tonight I had to give myself a 20 minute pep talk to give Cross a bath and put him to bed. It seemed like rocket science at the moment. So obviously, please pray for my brain to work, at least until 2 tomorrow and then I can pick up my man and let him take things from there! I feel so selfish asking for you to pray for "me, me, me" but I honestly know that I must have you guys carrying me. I feel nervous of the depths of grief I could possibly encounter. I feel anxious about the emotions I might have and may have to show. Pray too for Jeremy who is going on a no-fun trip of a life time! How selfless he is, how I love him so! Ok, I am working on pictures. I love you all!

K

Gone to be with Jesus...............

Hello all, yes, I type fighting tears, partly of sorrow and partly of joy. I got a text early this a.m. that Shawnna had gone to be with Jesus. I don't even know what to say. One huge praise (for me) did occur to me this morning for the very first time. In 2008, when we lived in North Caroline, I obviously rarely got to see Shawnna. I am thinking only once the entire year. But oh God's grace in 2009, we were only 2 short hours away and I praise Him that we saw each other so very often. I am so mad that I don't have a wonderful picture to share with you. One of her "long" curly hair (that was the most beautiful post chemo treat you have ever seen in your entire life), but the stubbornness in me would never take a picture because she always took that as "she's not going to be around much longer".

I think anytime we lose someone, especially expectantly to some degree, you have regrets. After her brain surgery, she didn't call, even a week or so out. I kept "being polite" and giving her space to recover and heal. I would send texts and when she didn't respond I would think "she will when she feels better". I had NO IDEA she was getting worse. I think I might have called her five times a day had I known or gone on out there and jumped in her lap. I think I would have taken a picture of each and every trip we took this year.

But instead, I think I will trust Jesus! "If only's" are always from satan. I'll stick with my memories of the 8:15 a.m. phone calls. I probably always answered "you got the girls dropped off". She would always make fun of me for being a perky early bird. Then we would talk until we were just completely convicted for being bad moms and our children (she would still have her youngest) were running wild. She would always joke if I didn't answer because I was on the other line, she would say "who's taking up my time". I will remember our mutual cue, "I'm sorry Miss Shawnna, I'll have to call you back, Cross and I have to go have a "talk"". I'll remember that after all she was going through, she was constantly making sure we had groceries, shampoo, and toilet paper. I'll remember her always giving Jeremy grace when I would try to complain about him. I'll remember the way she looked at Cross, she did love boys and maybe now she is with a son in Heaven. She miscarried once as well. I could type all day, I remembers................

I hate the fall, I hate cancer, I hate even the thought of babies growing up without their mommy, but oh how I LOVE JESUS! He makes it bearable! He makes the wrongs right! He makes Heaven available! He makes sorrows not in vain! I will promise to get pictures for you guys. Pictures of that curly hair and the straight even before. I will get pictures of those sweet babies so you will have faces to pray! Maybe we can all print their picture and put them in our Bibles and just pray for them our entire lives.

This post may be too raw, if so, I apologize. I sometimes should journal personally instead of blogging publicly, but I do love and miss my friend. But more so, I have never in my life known someone that walked so closely with Jesus and now she is arm and arm! Oh what a wonderful day that will be..........

K

Friends..........

Oh friends, you have overwhelmed me by your love and grace. Text messages have trickled in to the point that I just had to update because there is no way to even respond. Do you know what it does to my heart to peak down and see that another one of you is praying us through. Shawnna did make it through the night. I did get to say "good bye" and squeeze her sweet hand. I am running on zero sleep and am actually home now but getting in the car soon to travel to Nashville with my precious driving friend from last night who is also losing a friend to cancer this week. I cannot tell you what your prayers are doing to carry me. Here are a few to add to your list, but for the most part, I keep thinking of that verse that says something like, when I do not know what to pray, the Holy Spirit groans on my behalf! Love you all!

K

1. Obviously a peaceful and painless passing.
2. I don't even know where to begin with her daughters, I am praying for a peaceful last memory if she does get to go home (they are calling in hospice sp?). I am praying she will be strong enough to tell them one last I love you!
3. Shawnnas ex-husband who is the young age of 30 and will be a single parent. Pray, pray for his salvation!!!!!!!!!!! That is my greatest plea to the Father! Take him like He took Paul! Totally sold out over night.
4. For all the family!