Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Gone to be with Jesus...............

Hello all, yes, I type fighting tears, partly of sorrow and partly of joy. I got a text early this a.m. that Shawnna had gone to be with Jesus. I don't even know what to say. One huge praise (for me) did occur to me this morning for the very first time. In 2008, when we lived in North Caroline, I obviously rarely got to see Shawnna. I am thinking only once the entire year. But oh God's grace in 2009, we were only 2 short hours away and I praise Him that we saw each other so very often. I am so mad that I don't have a wonderful picture to share with you. One of her "long" curly hair (that was the most beautiful post chemo treat you have ever seen in your entire life), but the stubbornness in me would never take a picture because she always took that as "she's not going to be around much longer".

I think anytime we lose someone, especially expectantly to some degree, you have regrets. After her brain surgery, she didn't call, even a week or so out. I kept "being polite" and giving her space to recover and heal. I would send texts and when she didn't respond I would think "she will when she feels better". I had NO IDEA she was getting worse. I think I might have called her five times a day had I known or gone on out there and jumped in her lap. I think I would have taken a picture of each and every trip we took this year.

But instead, I think I will trust Jesus! "If only's" are always from satan. I'll stick with my memories of the 8:15 a.m. phone calls. I probably always answered "you got the girls dropped off". She would always make fun of me for being a perky early bird. Then we would talk until we were just completely convicted for being bad moms and our children (she would still have her youngest) were running wild. She would always joke if I didn't answer because I was on the other line, she would say "who's taking up my time". I will remember our mutual cue, "I'm sorry Miss Shawnna, I'll have to call you back, Cross and I have to go have a "talk"". I'll remember that after all she was going through, she was constantly making sure we had groceries, shampoo, and toilet paper. I'll remember her always giving Jeremy grace when I would try to complain about him. I'll remember the way she looked at Cross, she did love boys and maybe now she is with a son in Heaven. She miscarried once as well. I could type all day, I remembers................

I hate the fall, I hate cancer, I hate even the thought of babies growing up without their mommy, but oh how I LOVE JESUS! He makes it bearable! He makes the wrongs right! He makes Heaven available! He makes sorrows not in vain! I will promise to get pictures for you guys. Pictures of that curly hair and the straight even before. I will get pictures of those sweet babies so you will have faces to pray! Maybe we can all print their picture and put them in our Bibles and just pray for them our entire lives.

This post may be too raw, if so, I apologize. I sometimes should journal personally instead of blogging publicly, but I do love and miss my friend. But more so, I have never in my life known someone that walked so closely with Jesus and now she is arm and arm! Oh what a wonderful day that will be..........

K

3 comments:

Deidre said...

This post is beautiful!

I am praying for you. Praying the memories fill your heart and the guilt stays away. The enemy wants the guilt to settle in, but you cling to Jesus and never allow it.

Amy said...

Dear sweet friend, I am shedding tears with you and praying! Thank you for sharing the beautiful, sweet memories you have! Please, please post pictures, and I will certainly put them in my Bible and pray for those girls!

I don't know what to say other than I love you!

Amy

Living With Purpose said...

what a beautiful tribute, what a beautiful friendship.