Friday, February 19, 2010

Hello All.....................................

I am heading out of town in a few short hours and couldn't help but to hop on and tell you a quick hello before I hit the road, well more specifically, the shower. I always desire, as you know, to be authentic with you so I felt there was no way I could avoid sharing the events of this week without feeling guilty of "posting the good" and conveniently ignoring the "not so good". This is by no means something I am ashamed of, just not a moment of "having it all together" which I think we all tend to avoid sharing, especially to the world wide web.

Ok, side note, Cross awoke after this upper paragraph so I am now writing from my unbelievably fancy hotel room in Memphis. Did I mention I am ALONE? Just making sure I am bragging on Jesus lots. Always do what the Holy Spirit tells you to do! That is the thought for today. I walked into this room and I heard the Lord say to my soul "and you didn't want to come". He is so fabulous. In case I am forgetting details here: I am in Memphis for a conference on Discipleship and the Lord told me about a month ago that He wanted some alone time with me while I was here and then provided the funds for a hotel. In the mean time life has been so insane that I was so tempted to back out, but He kept saying "to come" and man I am thrilled I obeyed.

Now, back to the not so good. This past week I had a major panic attack that honestly shook me to the core. I am sure I had a million of these during my very dysfunctional days, but I don't remember having one in years and it honestly came out of nowhere. I woke up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep and for an entire 18 hours my entire body shook. I felt like I was in a total daze, I was so anxious I couldn't even fathom the thought of being home alone with Cross. And to make matters worse I could not "get my head above water" no matter how much I prayed, listened to worship music, was prayed over, you get the point. I felt crazy, my amazing husband was polite but I know had no clue how to help me. BUT here is the cool part, God sent the perfect person to the rescue. He never promises that we will avoid all the trails of this life, but He most certainly promises never to leave us or forsake us. A dear friend that I had text asking to pray came straight over and straight to the rescue. She explained to me that panic attacks are subconscious stress that is often ignored, spilling out with physical symptoms. I thought I would look up a good web definition for you guys and some causes, but the lists are really too long. It was just nice to read some things that hit the nails on the heads. One thing that I read and loved (because it made me feel less crazy) was "Significant personal loss, life transitions, significant life change" or can we say lack of stability. Another thing said "fear they are having a nervous breakdown" ding ding ding. I promise I thought I was about to go over the edge.

So here is what I am learning. No matter how much we trust God or claim to trust God, our body will always tell on our real emotional state no matter how much we try to hide it, even from ourselves. And two, God knew this would happen and He too knew the solution. After a 3 hour car drive today alone with Israel Houghton's CD which contains some of the greatest praise music on earth, I felt worlds better. Truth trumps lies, but must be spoken and reminded over and over and over.

I love my Jesus. I am so thankful He ordained this get-a-way and I want so badly to open my heart and soul up for the surgery it needs to avoid any other "hidden emotions" that will demand there way out regardless of my "I've got it all together" smile. I know I am broken, I just don't know how to even begin to rework, but I know the One who does.

Since I could type forever with no interruptions, I will close now and say that I am so thankful for you! I am so thankful that I can safely share my life. I am so thankful you read my crazy journey. I am so thankful that you pray for me. And please know that Jesus is your answer, regardless of what your ailment may be!


*Did I mention I have HGTV! I am like a kid in a candy shop!!!!!!!!!

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