Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Blogger of the year award..........

Hey everyone! So for you guys who enjoy a daily read I am certain to get blogger of the year or at least blogger of the week award. But for those of you who have not signed on in months I am certain you are a bit overwhelmed. Yesterday in particular was quite interesting. Two in one day can show you the vast emotions a woman can feel in a small 12 hour "period"! hahahahaha Today we have a new set of circumstances which is giving me another chance to say hello. I have a sick boy on my hands. His fever shot up in an hour this a.m. and then after a throw-up episode I was in mommy freak out mode because of his tubes, but it turns out that he just has a virus that is floating around town and his tubes have nothing to do with it. So, after 2 Nemo's and our 3rd Bambi (which Cross has only been awake for a total of 30 minutes all day) I am craving a bit of adult conversation. I have never been so thankful for my Crackberry with unlimited talk/txt/internet. It has kept me sane. Cross hasn't been much of a fan of mommy leaving his side which is my snuggle dream, but after the 8th hour now I am a bit stir crazy. I was home all day yesterday and now will be home all day tomorrow so needless to say I have a bit of time on my hands. Sure I could clean or work, but I thought saying hello to you again would be a bit more fun! I love to write and just have to force myself to condense my thoughts into a manageable post. I would just assume tell you my whole life story, detail to detail, but that probably won't help me win friends and influence people so let's settle today on the word BABY and maybe tomorrow we'll go elsewhere. I did want to attach an amazing blog a friend of mine did in regards to the Beth Moore conference this weekend. I was dying to tell you guys all about it, but I didn't know how on earth I would type all the notes and SHE DID! I promise it is in your best interest to print them out and get up early in the a.m. with your Jesus (and your coffee) and study! http://thesmittysdbq.blogspot.com/2010/04/youve-been-bad-friend.html

Ok, so baby or babies maybe I should say. You have certainly all endured my highs and lows in regards to being a mommy! Your greatest dream come true and then your biggest reality check to date. When J and I were married, he insisted on waiting 5 years before having children. I submitted with resistance. I am sure my mother nature would have been fine with waiting all of about 5 days, but God and Jeremy knew best now I see. After 2 1/2 years of marriage Jeremy and I got the greatest shock of our adult life, I was pregnant. I think I smiled for at least a month straight. Me, God really chose me, and with everything from my past I was certain I would not be able to get pregnant when it was time to try. I never dreamed I would get pregnant when we were trying not to. Jeremy's heart had softened so much in the baby arena and he was thrilled beyond belief. So December 2007 our sweet Cross was born. Then the following year in the fall we got shock number 2, again, while trying not to, I was pregnant. Cross was only going to be 18 months when the new baby was born. I can't remember all of the details (I was too busy throwing up) but Jeremy had just resigned from his job. We had no job, a toddler that was getting into everything, and a mom/wife who couldn't hold her head up she was so sleepy and sick. In God's faithful sovereignty we moved back to Clarksville on the 2nd week of my 2nd trimester so I felt like a new woman and had finally gotten excited about our new phase of life ahead. It was December and we shared Christmas here with J's family and began to prepare as though a baby was on the way! I remember unpacking the house and saying, "put that in the baby's room, oh that goes in the baby's room". I never dreamed of what was to come.

The Lord had given us a girl's name long before Cross was born, but we had since been on the look out for a boy's name "just in case". We always wanted the kids to be close together so once Cross came along, all bets were off. Sure we weren't really shooting for 18 months close, but we were excited all the same. Cade was the winner. I have a friend from our Gatlinburg girls trip whose son's name is Cade and one year I heard her say his name and ding ding, Jeremy loved it so it was the winner. I was just waiting on the Lord to give me the other 1/2 of the name. Would we use Cade as a middle like we had done Cross and would they have the same initials?? Yes and Yes! Joshua Cade Bullock the Lord spoke so clearly to me one day. It was before I was pregnant even and I remember exactly where I was sitting, studying Joshua's faith to enter the Promise Land and I thought "that is the kind of faith I want my sweet baby to have". So girl or boy, we were set! We never dreamed, in our wildest imaginations, what would happen next.

On our way home from visiting my family I started having severe pains. I am going to be brutally honest in this section so bare with me. I thought/hoped/prayed and vainly even believed that it was gas. I will never forget staring at the clock in the car and the light bulb going off, my "gas" was exactly 2 minutes apart. I called the OBGYN on call and she assured me it was gas, "this time of the year people eat so many odd things, it happens all the time, just pull over and drink 60 ounces of water and it will be all better, but if you do start to bleed go the the ER". The ER??? She said it like "there's nothing we can do in that case". Maybe she didn't hear me say I am 16 WEEKS?? J pulled over and I was in so much pain, Cross was in the back seat and I entered the gas station to get my water and proceeded to the restroom. My eyes almost bugged out of my head, not just a little bleeding, tons of bleeding. I ran out, asked the lady where the nearest hospital was, threw her some cash for my water, all the while in the most horrific pain, and walked/ran back to the car. If you walk into an ER and tell them you are in labor, you get back immediately, but you still don't get seen immediately. By the time the doctor got there I had prayed like a crazy woman and I was in the fetal position rocking because of the pain. She looked at me after checking me and started the journey of conversation that would break my heart. I told her over and over that she had to do an ultrasound, that she had to stop my labor. Just give me "that shot" as if I had any clue what the heck I was talking about. They did grant me an ultrasound after checking the baby's perfect heartbeat and the nurse never let me see, but I could read her face regardless. The baby was fine, but she knew it wouldn't be much longer. Not long after my ultrasound my water broke and I entered labor and delivery. I will spare you all of those horrific details, but by that point I was so drugged that I couldn't even talk much less "feel". I watched my man break, never before had I witnessed that and it scared me half to death.

So weeks and months later, the Lord healed my broken heart and I prayed through when on earth we would try again. I didn't want to do anything out of emotion. I didn't want a rebound pregnancy and quiet honestly I knew I couldn't handle it. I needed a word from the Lord and He gave me one, "wait until the end of summer". Oh how manageable that word was. The end of the summer came and went, Jeremy refused to allow us to try until he had a job. I was so mad at the Lord. Then finally Jeremy said, "I don't want the kids to be any further apart" so the green light to trying was a go. I always assumed God would work in my box. Maybe He had tested to see if I would wait and submit to my man?? I had and I was ready for Him to BLESS! Month one, month two, month three. Maybe I should start tracking my cycle? I have a very lovely cycle of 21 days and a sometimes 10 day "visitor". That explained a lot, but now I had Googled my weird cycle and I knew the trick. It is comical to even type, but I am being honest here. I would also like to mention that sometime during all of the craziness J mentioned something about God showing him we would adopt a baby girl one day, He even had given J the name. I didn't give much thought to that at the time. Maybe one day, but that was NOT in my plan. So the master month with the master info comes and goes and sure enough, I am LATE! I was on cloud nine. Didn't tell J just yet. The fertility dysfunction is all locked up in the woman's head without a key, some of you know all too well! I know the day, date, cramp, tenderness, maybe, maybe this is it??????? DAY 8 of being late and I start spotting. Oh goodness, how can I be spotting? Why aren't my tests coming back positive, maybe it is just too early to tell. Well the end of that story comes cramping that is keeping from getting out of bed. The reality and confirmation from a friend, I could be having another miscarriage. Blood work done, blood work lost, blood work redone.................blood work negative! WEWWWWWWWWWW praise the Lord, but I secretly knew there was a whole other set of emotions that now must be dealt with. The when/where/why and how was the only thing that had consumed my mind, now I had to consult with the Man in charge of it all. I had to take Him my fears, anger, disappointment, and frustration and once again allow Him to heal my broken heart. So I did, and He did, and then last week when another month had come and gone, the next reality hit...........AFRICA! I would now have to use drastic (especially since our track record is low) measures to NOT get pregnant until after Africa. Vaccinations and first trimester timeline would make it an absolute NO! So once again, we'll try again, at the end of summer!

I can laugh and smile from ear to ear as I type those words because of His great healing and grace. I wonder if He is saying no because of adoption? I wonder if orphanages in Africa have anything to do with our adoption? I wonder if He is giving J a job that will be able to pay for that possibility? Jeremy has always wanted a diverse family and I wonder if the redheads will be mixed with some skin that will be the literal opposite? I wonder if I'll get to do a little African baby girl's hair? I still hope and pray that I will get to carry and nurse a baby again one day, but regardless, I DO KNOW HE HAS A PLAN!

So there you have it, our baby journey thus far! Thank you so much for reading. I may be typing only for my healing or for my legacy to be down on paper, but either way, I am honored you come along for the ride!



The Feicht Family said...

Oh, girl do we need to talk!!! Love you and miss you tons! :) Praying Cross feels better soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh what a journey you have been on.-- and still on. May God give you a clear direction in what you are to do. It may be both to adopt and to have another one. None of us ever know what God is up to. He loves us so much. He give us our hearts desires. He is there to comfort you, to lead you and guid you. When it is the right time-- there wont be any confusion. Pray for clarity. In my heart.. I would love to have a house full. But God knows in reality.. we cound not have handled it. So, right now, I am blessed to be able to "adopt soldiers" As your heart yearn for little ones. My heart is toward soldiers and elderly. Amazinng the stages our lives journey takes us on. You have a glorious and blessed day sis!!! Praying for you all!!! :)